#1
my mind flees to a mosaic called 'time'
the present is detailed
the past, as obscured as the future
the message, 'motion sickness'


the kind you feel when you say what you've always thought
but each version sounds like vacuums
a bad journal
our fathers
TV


where I once saw your eyes, I see myself staring back
and often, we both look
sedated
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I feel like visual art shows up in poems you write a lot (mosaic in this case) and that's something that really resonates with me as somebody with a lot of interest in both photography and poetry.

Time as a mosaic, though. That's imposing. I think there's some sadness to this. It hinges on the binary of sickness and sedation, which make us all cry, and it's those images that stuck when I went downstairs to think about this poem and cook just now.

The first stanza leaves me searching back over it for more while the other two don't. Maybe explore the idea of the mosaic more. Maybe play with the phrasing of "the message, 'motion sickness'". You get a certain amount of rhythm from it matching the repeated phrasing of starting lines with "the (past/present/message)" but it feels abrupt for an idea so central and good.

Hope all's well with you.
#3
Thanks Erich, things are good. Please come visit soon; I miss you and I have a cool project to show you. Plus I will probably be moving from VA by December and would like to catch you before that.


I need to rewrite this; I wrote it as a text message to a friend and typing on t9 is a serious pain, hence the very unfleshed beginning. I know what I saw in my head but I didn't know how to say it, only set it up. Thanks very much for the crit, very helpful
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I would really like to come visit. How's mid-May through June for you? I promise I can make something work in that timeframe.

Poetry by way of text message is really interesting. Digital mediums for writing are something I'm thinking about lately. I'd love to talk about it, as well as your project.

I think if you give you the first stanza the same rhythm and sort of descending logic, if that makes sense, as the other two then you'll pretty much have it.
#5
Mid-May though June would be the perfect time; my project should be in full swing by then, and the students will have just gone home, leaving us with a beautiful empty town to explore. I have a couple of books you may like, too, on digital interaction - there is this awesome class I'm sitting in on that focuses on our bodies and their relationships with technology.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja