#1
(Verse)

There's a 20 foot drop

From the roof that I am standing on

To the pool that you are swimming in

And I am gonna jump.


And you are gonna run

When I miss the pool entirely

Obliterating both my knees

And pass out from the blood.


But I will call your name

Cause I need you more than ever now

You're the only one I trust knows how

To make me whole again.


You'll say you didn't hear

But I saw you turn your back and leave

I'm crippled but I still can see

You don't want to be here.

---------------------------------
(Chorus)

Catch me, I'm falling.

I bet you can save me.

-----------------

(Verse)

There's a 20 mile drive

From the house that I am living in

To the place you just keep your stuff in

Until you get out of my life.


And I'm drunk enough to say

I think that there's been something more

Behind idiosyncratic doors.

I've always felt this way.


I fully understand;

It's probably just in my head -

You probably don't wanna bet

On my convoluted plan.


So I guess this is goodbye.

Our friendship wasn't strong enough

And neither of us is too tough

To let the truth just die.

----

(Chorus)

Catch me, I'm falling.

I bet you can save me.

----

(Coda)

I wasn't good enough.

At least you know the truth.

----

(Chorus)

Catch me, I'm falling.

I want you to love me.
#2
There's a twenty foot drop
From the roof that I am standing on
To the pool that you are swimming in
And I am gonna jump.
Just a couple grammatical changes to make it look cleaner and more professional. Nothing that really adds to the piece

And you are gonna run This line seems awkward to read. I would maybe re-arrange it to something like Turn your back and run.
When I miss the pool entirely
Obliterating both my knees This word seems out of place. Maybe try words like; pulverizing, smashing, shattering or splintering.
And pass out from the blood.
This stanza has a couple stall points, that hold the reader back

But I will call your name
Because I need you more than ever now
You're the only one, I trust knows how A forced pause there seems to me to sound good. But that's another personal opinion
To make me whole again.

You'll say you didn't hear
But I saw you turn your back and leave
I'm crippled but I still can see
You don't want to be here.
I'm not a huge fan of this last line. It feels forced

Catch me, I'm falling.
I bet you can save me. You could have saved me


There's a twenty mile drive
From the house that I'm living in
To the place you just keep your stuff in
Until you get out of my life.
The last line of this stanza also feels awkward and out of place. You're talking about only being twenty miles away from her house, then you throw in that she's getting out of your life. There needs to be an established bridge to make subject changes like that

And I'm drunk enough to say
I think that there's been something more
Behind idiosyncratic doors.
I've always felt this way.

I fully understand;
It's probably just in my head -
You probably don't wanna bet
On my convoluted plan.
You first mention you fully understand, but the next two lines have "probably". To be honest, I don't care for this stanza at all, I think the piece can work without this completely

So I guess this is goodbye.
Our friendship wasn't strong enough
And neither of us is too tough
To let the truth just die.


I wasn't good enough.
At least you know the truth.


Catch me, I'm falling.
I want you to love me.

I don't intend to sound to mean in this critique. You are playing with a subject that is well overplayed. So to stand out at all, you need to be flawless. I understand writing to express your feelings, and most everyone has felt something similar to this. So it's not hard to attract the sympathetic feelings. But a true poet/musician will teach the reader more about the emotion than the reader could have ever known to feel. As artists, we are more sensitive to the world around us. So we feel a wider spectrum of colours, see more vibrant flavours, and feel the subtleties of the world. Learning how to express that is what will attract readers/listeners. Good luck and I hope to see more of your works
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Apr 3, 2014,