#1
So tell me what you think of these lyrics I have so far.

Like the dominant chord ringing across the soundscape of life, I can't get you off of my mind, and like the coming of death this will happen in time. You and me a counter melody interweaved, there's a lot more to us than the eye can see

A smile, A laugh, sometimes tongue and cheek is all we have. A hug, a kiss, the words we say is all that will last.

Oh were will we go, the chorus is close and we don't have a verse.

and that's all I have -_-
#2
You have this generally happy theme going, but then add a touch of the dark by mentioning death. While some may like the balance of the two, I'm not sure I like it. I want a happy, feel-good song to stay that way throughout. Just my personal opinion.
#3
This is just some of my personal suggestions. I do really like the idea of this piece

You and me, a counter melody interweaved,
there's a lot more to us than the eye can see I like moving these two lines to the beginning of the stanza. Just a thought
Like a dominant chord ringing across the soundscape of life,
I can't get you off of my mind,
and like the coming of death this will happen in time.

A smile, A laugh,
sometimes tongue and cheek is all we have.
A hug, a kiss,
the words we say is all that will last.

Oh were will we go,
the chorus is close and we don't have a verse

I like the idea of this one. I also like how abrupt the ending is. You could continue this idea further and write a longer song. Though with this blunt ending, you can fill the rest with empty instrumental work and say more than any words could. Even a long-ish gap after the first stanza might be a good idea. Your mention of death could easily be partnered to an empty verse before singing again
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
Last edited by 24WildRovers at Apr 13, 2014,
#4
Thanks I like your suggestion 24WildRovers I'll work on having a intro with the lyrics then it goes into an Instrumental for the rest of the song because to be honest I can't come up with anymore ideas for lyrics.