#1
is it warm outside?
                   the house couldn't answer


it caught in the radio static.
mother in the shower


i drag on my fouryearold shorts
and, barefoot like a toddler,


the grass is growing through my toesies
i feel like a japanese war crime.


(fat boy was warm but 
                     he couldn't answer)

i was always a skinny boy, i
could've eaten hiroshima


i'd think i did if i looked in the mirror.


i had traintrack teeth
                       the steam engine couldn't answer
                       mag-lev couldn't answer
and nagasaki for posture
a thermonuclearwar head
threads, karate in the playground,
and cut-offs with a katana

[RIGHT]i haven't recognised my face since before
fukushima
since before
the disaster[/RIGHT] 
i overheard it there, underneath the reactor:

when i stare at the sun i know 
                               nuclear is the answer.


when i feel my clammy feet i know the answer


                         [RIGHT]she'll be furious when she gets out the shower
                           and sees my fallout footprints on the carpet
                                                                      .[/RIGHT]
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at Apr 16, 2014,
#2
I really enjoy the format of this. The content is also refreshing and quite novel. I think there are a few little tweaks you could make to really make this work. One thing is to perhaps come down harder with playfulness (like 'toesies') and seriousness (in relation to the atomic bombs). I like that this is as a child and not about a child - children are mischievous, often happy and often somewhat evil, and I'd really like to see that come out more.

Nice read
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
Thanks for the pointers, I made a few other edits as well so here's a revised version:

is it warm outside?
                   the house couldn't answer


it caught in the radio static.
mother in the shower


i drag on my fouryearold shorts
and, barefoot like a toddler,


the grass is growingthroughmytoesies.
i feel like a japanese war crime


(fatman was warm but 
                     he couldn't answer)

i was always a skinny littleboy, i
could've eaten hiroshima


i'd think i did if i looked in the mirror.


i had tr-traintrack teeth
                          the steam engine couldn't answer
                          mag-lev couldn't answer
and naa-na-nagasaki for posture
a thermonuclearwar head
threads, karate in the playground,
and cut-offs with a katana

[RIGHT] i haven't recognised my face since before
fukushima
since before
the disaster[/RIGHT]
i overheard it there, underneath the reactor.


when i feel my clam-ey feet i know the answer


[RIGHT]she'll meltdown when she gets out the shower
and sees my fallout footprints on the carpet
.[/RIGHT]
#4
I like this even more. A few other little things - instead of spelling out stammering, you could visually 'make' the stammer.

naaaananagasaki vs. naa-na-nagasaki
(I think the one you have for traintrack works well already)


maybe 'these' footprints at the end instead of 'my' footprints

nice work
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I was debating which way to go on that stammer, but in that case I'll do it that way

"these" definitely works better than "my", both in flow and content, thanks for pointing it out.
#6
i really enjoyed this, mainly for what saadia mentioned above - that dichotomy between the playfulness of how this is written vs the seriousness of what its written about. there's an ocean to bridge between these ideas of a child going outside on easter morning and the WWII atomic bomb droppings, but I thought you did so in some interesting ways.

for one, the imagery really developed for me with this. my mind's eye was fixated on the thought of a toddler playing outside in the front lawn of a typical suburban home. i'm imagining the white picket fences, the meticulously manicured lawn, the whole nine yards. the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, but yet, i kinda sense an eerie calm. i imagine that the child is completely outside by himself, nobody else is around so that it has that same uneasy, unnerving quiet that occurs before the advent of a storm, or, more applicable to your poem, before the dropping of a bomb.

i also thought the detail of the mother's abscence was crucial. i don't if it was your intention, but it felt like the poem touched on how toddlers (or maybe just boys) eventually grow up and become independent of their mothers and lose some sort of that maternal guidance and unconditional love. it's just a fact of life that this happens, but it always turns out that it's men who have waged our world's wars, caused strife, and annihiliated cities with the drop of a bomb. i've always pondered about that so maybe i subconsciously forced that comparison, but i'd love to hear your thoughts on your reasoning, if you had any, for choosing a mother-son dynamic, and for choosing the mother to remain absent.

lastly, a minor suggestion- i didn't like the switch from "she'll be furious" to "she'll meltdown". i get the nuclear reference, but i really liked the humanness and simplicity of the former. other than that, this was deeply enjoyable.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I'm intrigued by your interpretation of the mother-son relationship, ultimately the reason for her absence is that this is rooted in truth: I've always found a certain magic in being up and outside before anyone else in my family has even had breakfast, I didn't think that much about the specific reference to my mother but that's just what came naturally. I think that does reflect the nature of the mother-son dynamic, especially for me as a young child, as there is a certain sense of safety or even reliance in that unconditional love.

As a child I was fascinated with soldiers and tanks and planes, so it is not unexpected that a curious little mind learned what an atomic bomb was and was equally fascinated by it, and these are all things I knew about through books and T.V which my mother might not of approved of. In that sense it is exciting, in the same way that being outside early in the morning is exciting and that's really the basis of this.

And, like the eerie quiet of the morning a child couldn't possibly understand the human impact of nuclear weapons, which means they are not afraid to talk about them openly. From there this poem became a reflection on that, this time from a position that understands and is scared of the possibilities, while turning the imagery against myself to dig even deeper with the knowledge of what I will grow up to be like and how I will see the world. To some degree that links in with it mainly being men who have waged wars historically.

That's the bulk of what this is written around, if that adds to your interpretation. Thanks for looking in.
#8
Without regard to content for now, I thought the sonics and rhythm were really captivating and whimsical. I'd like to see if you could end within that structure, just because it is so prominent here. "Carpet" really kills that as it is.