#1
You ride along the peninsula towards the airport
low near the horizon, the sun colors the snow
into something unreadable like crushed glass.
It glares all colors. You know that it is snow
but in this light it could be something else--sand,
these small hills become dunes, it feels like
this road could have taken you anywhere--or better:
to all places at the same time--the opposite of origin,
the last moment of a sound before it dissipates completely
where everything exists in equal measure and everything has been said.
From here you can choose what happens next, where you return to
from reverie. And you choose a peninsula in early winter, your life in your lap
your friends sweating lightly in their coats beside you, the window cracked,
cool air pouring in and filling your mouth with that which you cannot pronounce
and so in your own memory, it is spoken for you, and in your own memory
you are on your way home from a great journey, never more within yourself
than this--all of the memories you are hoping to have are present,
and you believe in happiness in a future tense.
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#2
I dig this a lot dude. You're making me want to start posting again! It reads like therapy almost? Or like the intro to hypnosis. I guess the reader being the subject creates that feel. It made it very personal for me (which, if you remember, I couldn't find in your last piece). When you shift to the memory of being in the car, even though that may be an actual memory of yours, it works so well for what comes next. It's a thing everyone's experienced; the cool air pooling in from a window on a very cold day, that's comfortable because of the sweat your warm clothes are causing. It's so normal and commonplace, and it goes right into that section of fulfillment, of happiness. That's a feeling everyone should be able to have in the most mundane of situations. It reminds me of David Foster Wallace's beautiful commencement speech to Kenyon college in 2005 commonly called "This is Water" (which i strongly suggest hearing or reading (there is audio of the speech on youtube). Particularly these lines-

"But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.
Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it."

Man i don't really know how to put into words what you've done here but god damn do i like it.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Apr 22, 2014,
#3
the last line(s) need to be reworked. you have such a beautiful arc and phrasing as your approach the end, and it feels like you just gave up and settled for, "all of the memories you are hoping to have are present,/ and you believe in happiness in a future tense." it's too direct and it's trite, especially amongst the stellar imagery and cadences you present earlier in the piece. i think the subtle way you're hinting at the end should be continued. through the whole piece, it's like i'm running my hands along a hall in the dark, but with the ending you have now, someone abruptly turns the light on! make me turn it on. make me find the light switch.

great read, thanks.
#4
that's a great criticism, i think i agree with you. in the end, it's a fun closing but it's not doing anything too special. thanks a ton for making that point. i will revisit the ending.

Quote by TrigFunction
I dig this a lot dude. You're making me want to start posting again! It reads like therapy almost? Or like the intro to hypnosis. I guess the reader being the subject creates that feel. It made it very personal for me (which, if you remember, I couldn't find in your last piece). When you shift to the memory of being in the car, even though that may be an actual memory of yours, it works so well for what comes next. It's a thing everyone's experienced; the cool air pooling in from a window on a very cold day, that's comfortable because of the sweat your warm clothes are causing. It's so normal and commonplace, and it goes right into that section of fulfillment, of happiness. That's a feeling everyone should be able to have in the most mundane of situations. It reminds me of David Foster Wallace's beautiful commencement speech to Kenyon college in 2005 commonly called "This is Water" (which i strongly suggest hearing or reading (there is audio of the speech on youtube). Particularly these lines-

"But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.
Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it."

Man i don't really know how to put into words what you've done here but god damn do i like it.


maybe you should stay a while! i'm really glad to be reminded of that speech i've come across it once or twice before and it's always a good one to see. i didn't realized the comparison until you brought it up but i think there is certainly some tie there, and i'm glad for it. thank you for such a wonderful comment, and yeah i'd love it if you kept posting
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Park that car
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#5
the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend to agree with hippieboy in that if you strung me along for just a little while longer, it would've been that much more satisfying. that being said, it truly is a beautiful poem. i found it to be delicate, textured, and overall successful in putting down into words what, for many (including myself), is indescribable: those fleeting moments of pure bliss and happiness.

i think the setting you conjured up (or drew from your memory) is such a peaceful one. a trip with friends along a coastal road at sunset during early winter - that's beautiful. i also found it kinda strangely poignant in that you make clear reference that this trip is ending, as opposed to beginning or continuing. you're en route to the airport after an amazing experience, and you feel like life has breathed into you. that's so inspiring because typically when i have to come home after a great trip or weekend with friends, all i can do is think about the work week ahead or the pile of responsibilites i put off just to enjoy myself. the last line of this poem is saying that happiness doesn't have to be a phenomenon in the present, but something to look forward to. That's great.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
I can't seem to read anyone's pieces without going back to Iceland but I'm seeing the ride out to Keflavík in this. The peninsula and hills, the journey coming to a close. Early winter was when you all were out there right?

Maybe I'm wrong.

But on the chance that I'm right there is a wonderful sense that maybe I know a bit of that being within yourself. What is that feeling of the journey coming to a close exactly? Not quite elation. Everything is brimming with possibility. The ending as it is brings a bittersweet sort of tinge to it. A future tense implies some sort of lack in the present memories to me. Like it's all there but it's not quite enough, and I'm not sure if that's what you mean.
#7
^wow, you nailed it. I almost called it Keflavik or Reykjanaesbraut or something like that i'm still a little surprised you got it though. credit to you as a good reader.

Quote by SubwayToVenus
the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend to agree with hippieboy in that if you strung me along for just a little while longer, it would've been that much more satisfying. that being said, it truly is a beautiful poem. i found it to be delicate, textured, and overall successful in putting down into words what, for many (including myself), is indescribable: those fleeting moments of pure bliss and happiness.

i think the setting you conjured up (or drew from your memory) is such a peaceful one. a trip with friends along a coastal road at sunset during early winter - that's beautiful. i also found it kinda strangely poignant in that you make clear reference that this trip is ending, as opposed to beginning or continuing. you're en route to the airport after an amazing experience, and you feel like life has breathed into you. that's so inspiring because typically when i have to come home after a great trip or weekend with friends, all i can do is think about the work week ahead or the pile of responsibilites i put off just to enjoy myself. the last line of this poem is saying that happiness doesn't have to be a phenomenon in the present, but something to look forward to. That's great.


thank you for such beautiful comments. all of you, actually. they've been helpful and also just a pleasure to read. you guys are great. it is nice to feel happy at the end of an adventure, like there is so much more to come and now that you've gotten a taste of it, you can only look forward to the next one. everything went well and you can enjoy this moment knowing the story has a happy ending, and you're in those last few pages clinging to every pretty thought. that's kind of what i was hoping for.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
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#8
I've read that poem like five times in a row now. It's so ****in good. I'm taking even more from it than i did last time i posted.

You ride along the peninsula towards the airport
low near the horizon, the sun colors the snow
into something unreadable like crushed glass.
It glares all colors. You know that it is snow
but in this light it could be something else--sand,
these small hills become dunes, it feels like
this road could have taken you anywhere--or better:
to all places at the same time--the opposite of origin,
the last moment of a sound before it dissipates completely
where everything exists in equal measure and everything has been said.

This is such a good intro. To me, it expresses this idea - you're contemplating your surroundings and deciding what they mean to you. It's something we do all the time, right? But true happiness is always finding value in the little things, deriving meaning from seemingly meaningless concepts. It brings up the struggle of being aware of our thoughts and feelings and not a robot. I really think this just helps put the reader into this frame of mind quite quickly.

From here you can choose what happens next, where you return to
from reverie. And you choose a peninsula in early winter, your life in your lap
your friends sweating lightly in their coats beside you, the window cracked,
cool air pouring in and filling your mouth with that which you cannot pronounce
and so in your own memory, it is spoken for you, and in your own memory
you are on your way home from a great journey, never more within yourself
than this--all of the memories you are hoping to have are present,
and you believe in happiness in a future tense.

and this just ends it so well. the important thing, in every situation, is choosing which memories, thoughts, and feelings have the most value. And looking to the future.

You may not have intended all this, but i don't care, I just love this, thank you.

heh heh - also just noticed it was titled a page to return to. How coincidental. 1 year and 5 months later
Last edited by TrigFunction at Sep 9, 2015,
#9
. And you choose a peninsula in early winter, your life in your lap
your friends sweating lightly in their coats beside you, the window cracked,
cool air pouring in and filling your mouth with that which you cannot pronounce


That, my dear old friend, is fantastic.
#10
Jimmy this is so beautiful.

-the opposite of origin,
the last moment of a sound before it dissipates completely
where everything exists in equal measure and everything has been said.


such a precious set of lines. I will remember it.
I don't feel this way often but I get very excited when I do - the feeling of something being absolutely perfect. This poem feels absolutely perfect and I can't put my finger on why (even better, really.) What a lovely moment. So happy that you are so talented and have such a wonderful soul that feels so deeply.
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#11
aw guys, didn't expect to see anything like this. thanks for looking back, joris. saadia i'm so happy you like it. it's hard to believe this was as long ago as it was, i'd almost forgotten. but things like this, they come flooding back. i'm glad the feeling of a perfect moment like this tries to describe has made it all the way to you. i feel revitalized.
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me