#1
I remember building towers
wide enough for me.
And the walls like the archives
I've made down here before,
whence the darkness breach.
I'm a ghost that roams and
there's a ways I believe,
"always".
This is happiness, this is flow
this is how normal people would walk, and I
should too
like them, it's continuous...

if all that is and was...

Alcohol's... a what? I don't
remember, but it seemed
genius at the time...
Last edited by Eccer at Sep 5, 2014,
#2
i like the overall arc of the piece but i dislike the stabs of interjection, for lack of a better term. "i keep telling myself" "and i should too" "...i think" : these are too direct and give you away before you get to the end. when i came across them, i could tell where you were going instead of following you out of curiosity.

nice read, thanks.
#3
Removed some of those interjections, thanks.

But I feel the flow is somehow jarred now...

Edit, here's how it looked like before;
I remember building towers
wide enough for me.
And the walls like the archives
I've made down here before,
for whence the darkness breach.
I'm a ghost that roams and
there's a ways I believe,
"always" I keep telling myself.
This is happiness, this is flow
this is how normal people would walk, and I
should too
like them, it's continuous...I think.

if all that is and was...

Alcohol's... a what? I don't
remember, but it seemed
genius at the time...
Last edited by Eccer at Apr 24, 2014,
#4
i like the centring of the poem in terms of presentation. maybe the interjections don't have to be removed, maybe just changed. i like the current edit you have, the flow feels (as i remember) less quick and more subdued.