#1
is that the sun creeping around the curtain?
if it is that's probably all I know for certain
I remember your face 'cos it's in front of my eyes
beyond that it's blank, like I've been hypnotised

is that the traffic picking up in the distance?
I'd have a peek but I'd need some assistance
if this bed is my home, then the wi-fi's the saviour
can see them all judging my awful behaviour

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a book
don't know if that makes sense to you
is our ending already penned?
do we make it to chapter two?

is that the top you were wearing last night?
I guess I can see why I decided to try
to pick you up, with my own little routine
seems like it worked 'cos we got rid of the smokescreen

do you play chicken, if so let's begin it
the first one to move is the one to end it
last night was fun, this morning all awkward
the first to sit up should at least acknowledge it

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a book
don't know if that makes sense to you
is our ending already penned?
do we make it to chapter two?

I don't mind if you need more time
I don't care if you're hair looks shit
I don't see the problem with this
Though I don't think we need a good bye kiss

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a book
don't know if that makes sense to you
is our ending already penned?
do we make it to chapter two?

is that an eraser or are you pleased to see me?
are you taking me back to the very beginning?
is that the sun creeping around the curtain?
this is the end, of that I'm certain


#3
let me first say i'm no big fan of rhyming; my assumption is that these are song lyrics, so i'll try not to let that shade my opinion.

i think the 'theme' (for lack of a better term) of this is weak. the idea of being stuck in a book is oddly underwhelming. and thusly the repetition of the weak idea doesn't help.

the verses, though, don't salvage much. they seem to run in circles, not really leading me anywhere. i finished the first stanza and knew where this was going, and i wasn't far off. the ending didn't offer any revelation either. it tried to, but we already knew the inevitable conclusion.

i can't help but think that making this rhyme is what inhibits this piece. i prefaced my abhorrence already, but really, the use of many of your words is completely idle. "smokescreen", what do you mean? what are you trying mean? it's not even a metaphor, really, it is just fat that needs to be cut.

so maybe this was overly harsh and i'm just adversed to the mode of the piece. either way, thanks for the read. i'm glad i was able to read it.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Apr 23, 2014,
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
let me first say i'm no big fan of rhyming; my assumption is that these are song lyrics, so i'll try not to let that shade my opinion.

i think the 'theme' (for lack of a better term) of this is weak. the idea of being stuck in a book is oddly underwhelming. and thusly the repetition of the weak idea doesn't help.

the verses, though, don't salvage much. they seem to run in circles, not really leading me anywhere. i finished the first stanza and knew where this was going, and i wasn't far off. the ending didn't offer any revelation either. it tried to, but we already knew the inevitable conclusion.

i can't help but think that making this rhyme is what inhibits this piece. i prefaced my abhorrence already, but really, the use of many of your words is completely idle. "smokescreen", what do you mean? what are you trying mean? it's not even a metaphor, really, it is just fat that needs to be cut.

so maybe this was overly harsh and i'm just adversed to the mode of the piece. either way, thanks for the read. i'm glad i was able to read it.


Cheers. I owe you a bunch so keep nagging me.

I've been bored with writing so as a challenge I'm trying to write some lyrics for a friend of mine, not that she'll ever get round to recording. Very I-am-woman-brit-poppish stuff. Plus, rhyming is fun, yknow? Literally everything I'll be posting for the moment is going to be popular in rhyme scheme. Challenge is fun.

Many ta's.
#5
that's actually not a bad idea. for me, it's impossible to rhyme things convincingly. even few songwriters can do it in my opinion. i'll keep an eye out for future pieces. cheers mate.