#1
Crack my knuckles.
Prepare.
Crack ‘em twice.

Loosen the fingers.
Sit.
Let my thoughts flow

Guide me! Guide me!
Please,
guide me through tragedy.

I am in love.
Love…
In love with the darkness.

And I live my story –
Here,
Within this and only this.
#2
this is a great example of the prose getting in the way of the poetry. everything in this piece is stated and not shown or illustrated, which is a fatal flaw in poems. this is not to say that you have to be abstract and non-declarative to write poems; but rather, i don't think a poem can really stand on its own if all it is doing is moving the story along, so to speak. with this piece, i feel that way: all the moves you make move us down the path but without stopping to admire the flowers, or the views, or the complexities of such a journey. this reads like a narrative more than an expression of a narrative (can i even say that?), and i think it falls in on itself because it lacks an awareness of what surrounds the narrative.

jesus. hope that makes sense.

but even more, there's a lot of weak work choice here. many of your phrases and words don't seem deliberate, or they don't elicit the effect that i feel you're trying to elicit. other times, you come out and simply state what's going on, a la "let the thoughts flow." that's an extremely weak way to express such an idea. you could paint an image, or evoke a scene, or a feeling that comes from such a state: to announce that idea so obviously feels like we've crept up upon some rare animal sleeping and then you barge in with a megaphone. perhaps more tact and deftness to the phrases and words could tighten this up.

i apologize if this comes across overly harsh. i don't mean to demean your writing or you nor your ideas. as well, feel free to tell me to fu.c.k off. it's just my opinion. maybe i don't love it, but that doesn't matter if you do.

thanks for the read. cheers.
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
this is a great example of the prose getting in the way of the poetry. everything in this piece is stated and not shown or illustrated, which is a fatal flaw in poems. this is not to say that you have to be abstract and non-declarative to write poems; but rather, i don't think a poem can really stand on its own if all it is doing is moving the story along, so to speak. with this piece, i feel that way: all the moves you make move us down the path but without stopping to admire the flowers, or the views, or the complexities of such a journey. this reads like a narrative more than an expression of a narrative (can i even say that?), and i think it falls in on itself because it lacks an awareness of what surrounds the narrative.

jesus. hope that makes sense.

but even more, there's a lot of weak work choice here. many of your phrases and words don't seem deliberate, or they don't elicit the effect that i feel you're trying to elicit. other times, you come out and simply state what's going on, a la "let the thoughts flow." that's an extremely weak way to express such an idea. you could paint an image, or evoke a scene, or a feeling that comes from such a state: to announce that idea so obviously feels like we've crept up upon some rare animal sleeping and then you barge in with a megaphone. perhaps more tact and deftness to the phrases and words could tighten this up.

i apologize if this comes across overly harsh. i don't mean to demean your writing or you nor your ideas. as well, feel free to tell me to fu.c.k off. it's just my opinion. maybe i don't love it, but that doesn't matter if you do.

thanks for the read. cheers.



Hmmm... agree to disagree

I do appreciate your criticism, I have been experimenting with styles, and this was one of those experiments... perhaps a failed experiment

Or maybe the style just doesn't connect with you... who knows? That is what I find so wonderful about poetry.
#4
Please do write another "the pipeline" although I know it's difficult to do. (yes, I still read it from time to time)
Anyways....I could see this, and it leaves me with an odd remark as of, it's cool , but it doesn't give me much in the end. But you don't have to write like a god every time though, short proses like this are nice to do from time to time, but I guess my critique to this would be. Don't let an genuine idea get ahead of you, always dwell on it first, until you know for certain it's real.
#5
You're not making me believe "I" is in love with the darkness.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching