StreetLight3989
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2007
1,950 IQ
#1
Hey, I just wrote a poem about some things I've been going through the past couple of months and my fear of letting go. I either want to make it into song lyrics or submit it to some literature magazines and websites to get it published. Any critique and feedback would be super helpful and I will critique back. Thanks

Little Flame


The flame is dead and I still strike the tinder
I never meant to put it out
My biggest fear, a wildfire I couldn't control
I struck the tinder then I poured the water
It ran everflowing like a river
It stayed frigid and fixed as ice
I'll lay basking in this glory for eternity
I won't drink the poison that is brightness fading
So I put it out
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
627 IQ
#2
I think this would benefit from more personal elements to give this more emotional grounding, as it is I think your choice of metaphor is a little cliche and more importantly does not develop throughout. I'd like to see you really adding something with each line, and making the most of every word.

For example: "it stayed frigid and fixed as ice", ice already gives the impression of immobilisation so at least fixed is unnecessary, especially as I think there is room for more expansion (think slow moving glaciers).

Also as it stands I think there should be some physical space after "fixed as ice", the next line is a very separate idea in my mind. Consider not restricting yourself to end stopped lines, it makes this too choppy for talking about flames flowing rivers.

Hope this is useful.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#3
I agree with d'salmon, mostly.

I should mention that you should keep writing. You have the flame.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

StreetLight3989
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2007
1,950 IQ
#4
Thank you for the feedback, I've been busy with school but I want to develop this poem more using the advice you guys gave me.
Quote by culex-knight
I agree with d'salmon, mostly.

I should mention that you should keep writing. You have the flame.

Thank you for this, writing has always been natural to me, it's something I focused on a lot in high school. This is the first piece I've written in two years though. I fell on some hard times in college and have been in a creative stupor for a while now. Writing has always been a passion of mine and your feedback is just further affirmation that I need to nurture it.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything