#1
cancer, you littlething,
you are walking the goosestep
on my youth,
and chalking hopscotch on 
my little affections

skipskipskipping back a yearandabit
you were so reicht. you collect
on me like a garbage tumour as i
lie in next-door's skip of discarded bone marrow donors.


you are cruellest,
cancer, taking someone who
did not mean as much to me. such
a little thing

in the air like formality,
no longer leukaemia, muchmuch
crueller, you love to take
love and mutate it into an awkward
doglikepanzer that slathers on
the scrapyard where i 
orphaned my onlyplasticsoldier


(you love to take my affection somewhere it isn't wanted
and make it littler)


there was shakingandcryingandlaughter.
none of it was you, but you marched it all the way
through europe. you god, you bitter prick,
you ulcer.

[RIGHT]i am standing on all the chalk in the world
you spoilt aryan child
and, on the blackboard, you will rewrite
every line of history you have smudged[/RIGHT]
                                                                       

[


  
                              i  do  not  give.


                              i  do  not  take  away.


[RIGHT]i am spurting like a tumour
and life is killing me
][/RIGHT]
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at May 7, 2014,
#2
i like much of this, but other parts could use tightening. the comparison to the Third Reicht was tactful and subtle until you say, "you love to take / love and mutate it into hitler." that was a bit too obvious to my taste. a few phrases here and there made me raise an eyebrow (or both, rather, i cannot raise one in isolation) but otherwise, a solid piece. thanks for the read.
#3
That "hitler" line is very lazy, thanks for highlighting it. It can be very easy to get out of control writing a piece like this, I was rushing too much on to the next lines. I have revisited that and changed it around.

I hope that's the good kind of eyebrow raising going on If not, please could you point out those other areas.

Thanks for the crit, it's much appreciated.

EDIT: while I remember, for personal reference as much as anything (though someone might be interested), this was written while listening to Vertikal - Cult Of Luna
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at May 6, 2014,
#4
I liked the style, the mashingofwordstogether, the spacing, etc. It really gave the piece a nice disjointed feel about it which fits the message of the poem itself. The references to Nazi Germany were good, although I agree with the assessment of the Hitler line previously mentioned. I particularly loved "reicht".

However, I will say the constant references to Nazi Germany made me begin to question whether it was you or the narrator who had cancer and compared its spread to Nazi Germany or if you were saying Nazi Germany was a cancer. I don't know if that made sense or not. But the focus of the poem became unclear to me, at least.
#5
looking back, there really aren't many phrases that make me raise my brows. i think overall it could use some tightening here and there but i don't know that i could specify where to start. still, a nice piece.
#6
wickwing, normally that is something I would leave to mystery but for this piece I think it is important to make the distinction: this is about how I was feeling this past weekend, mostly that someone I kind of knew passed away and it dug up a load of old emotions, I feel like it affected me more than I had the right to be.

As a piece of writing I'm glad that there is that blurring of the comparison, I don't know why though, I think it achieves what I set out to do with that metaphor.

I'm going to edit in the changes I made to that line as well.