#1
Must I draw everything out for you/
So you can see my words in visions??

I refuse like a –…||

Well, that doesn’t matter much. Does it?
--/ How I refuse.

All that matters is :: I do.

|} Now go away, my “>lovE>”
Before I betray you again
#2
hmmm, I'm not sure about the punctuation in this. I mean I like that it's experimental but it feels too restrained, I'm yearning for it to be more expressive and daring, especially considering the personal subject matter.

The context given by "Must I draw everything out for you" is clever ( I really like that) but it means that for me the use of punctuation is just there to maintain that analogy rather than build on it.

However I think "my ">lovE>"" is great, that stands out as my favourite bit of this and i'd like to see you use more stuff like that, where what you're doing with punctuation is properly interwoven with the words if that makes sense.

I'm feeling this though. I think all this talk of writing about "someone" has got to me, I just posted a bit of self servicing shitty stuff I wrote the other day.

Keep at this experimental stuff man, it'll turn out awesome.
#3
Thank you, this was the first time I ever experimented with punctuation in this type of manner so I was just kinda throwing shit at the wall and frankly I wasn't feeling it too much either. I figured I would post and see what people said.

My personal edit looks like this:

Must I draw everything out for you
so you can see my words in visions?

I refuse like a –…||
Personally I like this because it is almost like a physical wall, as well as stopping a train of thought.

Well, that doesn’t matter much. Does it?
How I refuse.

All that matters is: I do.

Now go away, my “>lovE>”
Before I betray you again
Last edited by 21wickwing at May 12, 2014,
#4
i think the punctuation will come in time. i find, if i am adding punctuation or subtracting, mainly it has to do with how the words appear moreso than how the punctuation may affect the pacing, etc; i almost add/remove based solely on literally how the thing is forming before my eyes. maybe that's something to consider. i will offer that the double ?'s at the beginning were weak; they felt teenage-girl-texting-like to me, but that's also perhaps just me.

otherwise, strong content and poem. the brevity of it is nice, and a hard thing to pull off at that. thanks for the read.