#1
oh america,
how is the weather in france?
did you visit the eiffel tower
and get croissant on your lips?
i did not think you'd look
like this. oh la liberte, oh


how that copper must
feel pressed against her. is
freedom ever anything more
than to be free to love her?


oh america, my dear, all
things rust within a year.
i wish they'll tarnish well
for you. promise you'll
keep france near.


promise not to be a brut like me.


yours sincerely,
lovingly

england
#2
You spelled brute wrong. Or did you mean Brit? Anyway, this song doesn't really flow well. I don't really get what you were trying to say.
#3
I will respond to your points in the order you made them:

Firstly I wasn't trying to spell brute, I was using the word brut from French as in the stem for brutalism/raw concrete. There should technically be an accent on the u, but I chose to omit it, maybe I should've included it (and on liberte as well). The fact that it is only one letter from brit is an interesting coincidence, I didn't intend that.

It's not intended to be a song, I wrote it as a poem. it would be helpful if you could explain why you don't think it flows or make a suggestion, as it is what you have said is not constructive.

With regard to the content, I actually thought this was one of clearer things I've written recently as I had a focussed direction, and I was only really dealing with a single event.

I would appreciate it if you had a reread of this and try to respond to it more constructively, it's fair enough that you have your own opinion but frankly it is quite rude to just make negative comments with no suggestions.

thanks for looking in
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at May 12, 2014,
#4
cute (not trying to sound condescending using this term). a fun read with a nice ending. as you stated, this piece is very focused and direct. the images and flow are apt and tactful.

i use a deodorant called 'brut', un-relatedly.
#6
"is
freedom ever anything more
than to be free to love her?"

Awesome line. I thought this poem was very well written and flowed nicely. The ending gave me a nice giggle as well. This could correlate to The Revolutionary War where France helped America against England... but could also correlate to WWII where America went into France physically and then became the dominant world power, replacing England.

Either way, I like it.
#7
Quote by doubtfulsalmon
oh america,
how is the weather in france?
did you visit the eiffel tower
and get croissant on your lips?
i did not think you'd look
like this. oh la liberte, oh


Very solid start, I like how you bring imagery in immediately by mentioning the Eiffel tower and croissants (both inherently French, or so I'm told.) "Oh la liberte" really gives it some flavour. A reference to the Statue of Liberty being from France? Regardless, I like it!

Quote by doubtfulsalmon

how that copper must
feel pressed against her. is
freedom ever anything more
than to be free to love her?


While I enjoy this on it's own, it doesn't seem to fit the flow. This is more a matter of opinion, though. Who is the "her" supposed to be? Unless of course it's vague on purpose, in which case kudos! I love ambiguity. No other problems here, except that it just doesn't seem to fit the ebb and flow of the rest of the poem.

Quote by doubtfulsalmon

oh america, my dear, all
things rust within a year.
i wish they'll tarnish well
for you. promise you'll
keep france near.


promise not to be a brut like me.


yours sincerely,
lovingly

england


I have literally no problems with the end. I'm not even gonna call you on the possible mis-spelling of brute. Easily my favourite part of this piece. Over all, it's very nice. Seems to be something you could expound on to make an opus of sorts. Cheers!
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.
#8
Thanks hippieboy.

dregen, when I wrote this it was intended to be dripping with sarcasm but every time I come back to it I realise I mean more of it sincerely. For me this is one of the least expressive things I've written for a long time, but it turned out to be one of the most cathartic and forward moving things I've written. Thanks for reading.

Thank you, manwithoutahat, you mention that I could expand this into an opus: it actually links in with two other poems I have posted here in the last year (France and Cairn), I am sure you can dig them out if you're interested. I think this will probably be the last part to that series, for reasons I have already gone into.

Edit: Thanks as well wickwing, don't know how I missed your comment before.
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at May 17, 2014,
#9
Quote by doubtfulsalmon
oh america,
how is the weather in france?
did you visit the eiffel tower
and get croissant on your lips?
i did not think you'd look
like this. oh la liberte, oh


how that copper must
feel pressed against her. is
freedom ever anything more
than to be free to love her?


oh america, my dear, all
things rust within a year.
i wish they'll tarnish well
for you. promise you'll
keep france near.


promise not to be a brut like me.


yours sincerely,
lovingly

england


I presume that the "her" in this piece is "france", but that isn't necessarily obvious because you never mention "her" and "france" in the same stanza - this lead to some confusion when I first read this piece. The first stanza focuses on the more mundane aspect of "france" before diverging to a more substantial ideology of "copper pressing against france" - but, I think, that an extra few lines could help the transition to flow a bit more smoothly.

I'm not sure what the copper represents here, but you did (subtly) reference it again - in the next stanza, - when you used the words "rust" and "tarnish", and I really liked that. My only problem is that, as a reader, I am not sure what the "copper" represents. I can maybe guess that you are alluding to some sort of socioeconomic system, like communism (hammer and sickle?)

But I am not sure how "a year", "brut" and, even, "england" connect with everything that was presented previously. I think you have some really good ideas, but how they interconnect with each other is what is preventing the poem from having a large impact. As of now, I am left slightly confused.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for commenting on my last poem!
#10
Thanks for the pointers, this could definitely do with a revision, partially because I didn't take it that seriously when I first wrote it.

I kinda think the problem with this piece is that so much of it it referring back to a couple of previous poems, so the links in my head aren't here on the page and maybe I do need to flesh this out more. There are a couple of twists to the overall narrative that I was trying to bring together here but I don't think I focused on them enough.

The copper thing needs so much expansion the more I think about it, and I actually don't think what I've written makes any sense in terms of the underlying point I was going for, it just works as a sentence on the surface.

I'm not sure about brut, I know exactly where I was coming from but the general feeling seems to be that it doesn't make that much sense.

I'd be interested if reading the two other poems I talked about further up makes any difference to the clarity of this piece, as it is it's under serious review.