#1
You told me that you are from northern Europe
but I didn’t understand why
your face resembled mine.
Since then, I have reminisced on the day that we first met -
you remain oblivious to it;
we were both smiling at ourselves, involuntarily,
before resting our heads on yet tangible idealities.
From that day then on, you became me…

As my lust turned to stone
I searched for you, every day,
at the very same place
where your presence consumed
my fatigue. For many months,
you never appeared
but I still remembered you well.

I wanted you to know me, unadulteratedly,
from my childhood beginnings
all the way to this come of age
that has turned me to what I feared to never be.
Free from all rationalities, I wanted you to come talk to me
like a stream of consciousness.

I found you on an unassuming Friday;
you had not changed,
not even after the previous pseudo-greetings.
You were alone, just for the time being.
We spoke rhetorically:
It was like talking to my eighteen year old self
after an unrelenting night vigil.

I have never been to northern Europe
but I identified with your history
and your uncultivated brokenness;
like an innocent child, you hid your mistakes from me.
And, like a mother,
you supported my most ambitious pursuits
as if you already knew
what I will eventually become.
You are the friend that I've always cried to know
when no one was looking;
when my voice was all I had to put me to sleep –
twenty two years of loneliness has now finally caught up with me,
but you will never know this…

I shared with you my abstract thoughts
beside the café table, while speaking in convention;
you were unaware of the vulnerabilities
and the crippling dejection
that nearly took my life
just two weeks prior;
but you soon became my God given purpose,
without any further reservations.

Somewhere, between familiarity
and a vicious cycle,
we shared the same identity
and undercurrents;
my weaknesses were never hidden
yet you still considered me a friend.

An atheist and a man of faith,
the most unlikely of twin flames
and blessings; you brought me happiness
even in my frailest moments;
all sense of distance became our sorrow,
in an irreducible amount of time.

But you are already the hard headed woman
of another man, to my despair; I knew then
that I had already lost my last true friend.

You washed me with white lies,
the crippling type from your mother land;
your emotions became your own worst enemy -
your confusion culminated
as I plead to you to be my best friend.

You didn’t leave without judging me
for my most unclean vices
that I was plastered with
by my own resentments.

I have now analysed your final words
as if it were the Torah –
as if you are coming back…

I soon found my head again, perhaps,
when I wasn’t even trying -
but the damage has already been done.

To see all progress put to a halt,
by misguided rationalities,
has rendered me the seer
of this perpetual
come of age.

Susan, I will always be your friend
and support you (when no one is there)
with interceding words that can only ever be felt,
and not heard. On a lighter note:
I have now painted your smile
somewhere within my pulsating head
that was bred
from the dark heart of Africa.

I will one day become a better person
even if you are never there to see it.
I will grow, even if you are not there with me.
God bless you, Susan(!)
and never forgot who you are...
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 21, 2014,
#2
nice read. i'm sorry for you what you've been having to go through lately. this is a nice reading of how you've been dealing and how it has affected you. hope things look up for you in the coming days.
#4
This is amazingly raw and the storytelling really sucked me in.

The blurring of identity imagery is too real, as is "my weaknesses were never hidden/
yet you still considered me a friend.", properly honest and powerful stuff.

I didn't see the you using her name coming, that was a nice surprise that hit home.

I'm feeling for you, hope you writing this has helped sort it all out in your head.