Martyr's Prayer
Hates his username.
Join date: Aug 2005
3,584 IQ
#1
what's a friday night for?
to let it out of clouded heads
crystal formations hang in them, and ring
and we'll sing our lives out of key

and there's dust in here
simple little particles, they hold onto things
so i'll cover my glass with my hand and cough affirmations

when something is, it's still headed away slowly
bonds lose charge and there's nothing here to pull me
and i will move through the earth, one end to the opposite
as if one of us were never here

does the planet leave prints on the bottom of my shoes?
then how am i still moving after being trampled so?
but some nights the globe just lies still
looks up and sees light that has traveled too far, too long
to be anything but a nightly spirit so distant from it's body
that it must have forgotten it's life
We're only strays.
Last edited by Martyr's Prayer at May 19, 2014,
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,139 IQ
#2
this is quite an enjoyable read. overall it's coherent and it develops well. i would like to see it tightened just a bit, as a few words and turns here and there felt a little weak or odd ("sing a life out of key" was one in particular; it wasn't that weak, it just seemed slightly trite in this context). it will probably come with time.

very nice and interesting work here. liked the ending a lot. the last stanza really ties everything together. thanks for the read.
Martyr's Prayer
Hates his username.
Join date: Aug 2005
3,584 IQ
#3
Thanks man, I'm so glad you liked it. I also think it will get a nice trim once I've let it percolate for a bit; although, the line that you mentioned seemed trite is probably going to stay, albeit with some minor modifications. I'm writing a five song EP and I'm working on keeping the themes very consistent, those being inebriation, singing, dancing, spirits, ghosts, and the afterlife. So the line in question is relevant there. Definitely looking for suggestions though about how to make it feel more appropriate here.
We're only strays.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#6
Fantastic stuff.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching