brokencoastline
(objects) ocean.
Join date: Jun 2009
577 IQ
#1
[font="Arial"]California Elegy: moving out, moving constantly.
[size="1"][I]for A.

There was a cloud parked on the horizon.
I thought it looked like an albatross drumstick
marinated in phosphorescent kool-aid.
    -Kevin Opstedal, Sneaking a Drink w/the Tiki Blonde[/I][/SIZE]


in that incredible heat I'm still
sleeping in the storage room.
    I remember the orange curtains she made, "tangerine 
dream" I'd say, forgetting the reference
but remembering the glow
on her hands and arms
at the afternoon's end.

file cabinets guarded the bed, and through the
vent you could see
straight to the next room.
places I've lived close off to me
& it's like no one can ever be
young there again. the tight-knit
clique never happened.
    (pick me up from Dulles, take me to get
bahn mi. I'll count these things differently)
but I can't blame baopei for leaving
with her piercings
& her social responsibility.
    (the air was thick, not like 
Reykjavik. I remember lying down in
the parking lot from laughing at it)
now she's got 
eyes to close on the Texas 
interstate, waking up
in the desert a week before
deciding to fly home for
a few days this year
while they continued on.

at that incredible height I'm still
spent for shades, lavenders in the long dawn.
the clouds below not marinated
but skimming the surface
like hesitant promises
    of distances we never went, to Canada
or Malaysia. what did we do with the weeks?
though of course 
we'll all move out to that Oregon coast
the point is undefined, like
some blip careening across an azimuth
of time.

or a predawn 
of disembodied headlights & bird calls 
where he pulled out & parked the van 
forever, putting a new crater between
flowering rows of yucca
    & I can see it in the
early light, soaked like kevin's cloud
in that phosphorescent sundown
stretched along the coast road.
but what do I do
with the muffled death
felt through the quivering breadth of
the heart in her chest?
    (in that incredible aftermath
life becomes a blur, but you still call)
& I assure you it's no one's fault
though it's not long before
you go & I fall back to sleep with
the smell of ethanol & the moments 
before everyone who saw
looked away
& let the road wind back into place.[/FONT]
Last edited by brokencoastline at Nov 13, 2014,
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,137 IQ
#2
i really enjoy this. sometimes there were weird quirks or moves that surprised me, but in a good way; don't change them. you capture a grand feeling in this. the voice is clear.

thanks for the read. great work.
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#3
That fourth stanza blew my mind, this piece is truly magnificent. A small critique maybe, maybe I didn't read it right but I felt you jarred the flow here somehow;

or a predawn
of disembodied headlights & bird calls
where he pulled out & parked the van

When I came to "where" I felt you dragged it too long, if you could put a punctuation or a stop before that...but that would also ruin it. So I think I see your problem there.
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#5
yeah this is pretty great.



(the air was thick, not like
Reykjavik. I remember lying down in
the parking lot from laughing at it)
now she's got
eyes to close on the Texas
interstate, waking up
in the desert a week before
deciding to fly home for
a few days this year
while they continued on.


those last few lines feel like the kind of thing (one that i do too often myself) that make a lot of sense and hold a lot of meaning to the writer but don't really convey much beyond faint motions of that meaning to the reader. i know there's a story there but the words are kind of opaque and aren't carrying it in the open. they almost seem to say "there's something you don't quite understand that i'm referring to here" which is frustrating given the emotional clarity of the rest of this.

also feels like stretched along the coast road. should be either coast (without road) or coastal road for rhythmic and soft grammatical reasons
is this epigraph the author who's book you showed me? i kind of like the idea of you writing a bit west-coast-ish. lots of space and air moving around. kind of higher skies and lower buildings or something like that. but you are one of the best writers of dramatizing the east coast as well so never stop doing that, even if only to send me fragments and lines until i die. i will always count you as an influence, ever since you first started posting here. the closing is pretty strong too. reminds me of "the spell of the leaves" (from the book "the widening spell of the leaves" there is also another poem called "the widening spell of the leaves" but i'm referring to "the spell of the leaves") by larry levis. it's a wife/kid just after a husband leaves, but it's exquisitely done. i can upload a picture of the poem if you can't find it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
brokencoastline
(objects) ocean.
Join date: Jun 2009
577 IQ
#7
thanks everyone.

Quote by jiminizzle

also feels like stretched along the coast road. should be either coast (without road) or coastal road for rhythmic and soft grammatical reasons
is this epigraph the author who's book you showed me? i kind of like the idea of you writing a bit west-coast-ish. lots of space and air moving around. kind of higher skies and lower buildings or something like that. but you are one of the best writers of dramatizing the east coast as well so never stop doing that, even if only to send me fragments and lines until i die. i will always count you as an influence, ever since you first started posting here. the closing is pretty strong too. reminds me of "the spell of the leaves" (from the book "the widening spell of the leaves" there is also another poem called "the widening spell of the leaves" but i'm referring to "the spell of the leaves") by larry levis. it's a wife/kid just after a husband leaves, but it's exquisitely done. i can upload a picture of the poem if you can't find it.


It's the same book, yeah! I've been going back to it more as the weather's gotten warmer. Something about the lines I picked out from it is so crazy and vivid but very resonant with me. Definitely read it if you've ever felt at all overwhelmed by the place you're from.
I actually ended up finding and reading both the poems you mentioned and I can see some of that similarity in the endings of this and "the spell of the leaves." Something like that wide place mistaken for a moment is so well put, and the way nothing follows, thanks for the read.

I agree about those lines you picked out as being to opaque and inaccessible as well. It's an easy thing to fall into, thanks for pointing it out.