21wickwing
wick2107
Join date: Feb 2009
1,487 IQ
#1

            My own                         						your
           h      								            h
          ea								                    ea
          rt                    							    rt


         is 				p  s					              o
					e  e					              ve
       o				r   p					               r
      ve				m   a
       r				a    r
					n     a					               h
					e      t  				               er
      h					n       i					       e.
     er					t        o
      e -     				          n
					   from


					   -odi-
				rivers er-       -ng skin cells
			of tears,			carving valleys
		Two sets					on our faces.
			    When will the canyons be finished?
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
993 IQ
#2
Good experimentation! I enjoyed it, I would like to recommend a song to you which fits this theme really well, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14h8NVpBA4o

not sure how I liked;
"	                                   -odi-
				rivers er-       -ng skin cells"

But you saved it by placing the words apart I think... I like how you can derive multiple meanings from it by reading the stanzas downward or horizontally connected, at least that's what pieces like this are meant for imo. Keep it up!
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,124 IQ
#4
this is really quite nice. my only gripe is the "my heart is over here / your's is over here". i't s a bit obvious for my taste and maybe having something to fit in with the theme of canyons/geology/erosion, etc would strengthen the piece.

overall, though, really great work. the ending, and especially the last line, are incredibly strong; they almost could stand alone (though that would ruin the aesthetic presentation of the piece).

thanks for the read.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at May 25, 2014,
Aoh legend
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2014
180 IQ
#5
I'm usually not a huge fan of this kind of poetry that's posted here, but I thought this piece was really cool. Keep it up man.
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#6
I don't know if the structure really does much for the piece, except maybe thinking about specific images independently. Interesting and still a good piece overall.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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