Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#1
An itch you can never scratch
is all you will ever have/
the revelations of another life
& its ungrateful pleasures
& its forgotten friends
& its forsakened God, merely lost 
[within a new translation]:

My 18 year old self
would rather die
than become me.
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 27, 2014,
Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#3
Quote by 21wickwing
I may be stupid, but I am unsure as to what the message is. Is it about resisting growing up or conforming to society?

I would perhaps expand upon it and add a middle verse that brings in more detail.


It has some element of both, but I am intentionally making the meaning, behind this piece, to be both subtle and ambiguous in its nature.
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 31, 2014,
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#4
This reminded me of "the city refuses to confide in me and there's no one left to care". I love these short, raw pieces you write: they really get to me.

One question, do you intend this to only be presented as a poem? I was just thinking that these would make some killer lyrics if you decided to use them that way.

My only slight niggle is that "an itch you can never scratch" is a bit cliche, but the context does carry it well.
hippieboy444
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2006
7,137 IQ
#5
i remember as a kid, i used to say itch as a verb and a noun; as in, i have an itch to itch.

anyway, i think this is quite nice. the repetition of F-words towards the end of the first stanza could be broken up (unless it was intentional). it doesn't hamper anything particularly, but it doesn't strike me either.

the ending is really great. such a strong sentiment to end on, it makes the ambiguity of the preceding stanza stand well.

i really like this piece. i hope things have been getting better with you. thanks for the read.
Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#6
Quote by doubtfulsalmon
This reminded me of "the city refuses to confide in me and there's no one left to care". I love these short, raw pieces you write: they really get to me.

One question, do you intend this to only be presented as a poem? I was just thinking that these would make some killer lyrics if you decided to use them that way.

My only slight niggle is that "an itch you can never scratch" is a bit cliche, but the context does carry it well.


Wow, it always amazes me when users of this forum can relate my newer pieces to some of my older ones. Did you specifically remember the poem "London" as you were reading this piece?

The "My 18 year old self..." part is references "Norther Atheist" and "To the Slums". I wrote "To the slums" when I was 18, and "Norther Athiest" has the line: "It reminded me of my 18 year old self after an unrelenting night vigil".

And, yes, I wrote this as a poem - I don't think I know how to write song lyrics anymore

Thank you for reading, guys
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 29, 2014,
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#7
This is so honest and stark. No bells, no whistles, no long conjecture. You're writing has changed much.

I like it, it's very beautiful, but I hope you're okay.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#8
Ah, man.

This hit home a bit.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching