#1
i loved your sanndy hair:::


:::you used to nearlywear it to
your shoulders - thicker
than syria, coarser thann 
afghannistann,
you anti-cobainn, 
you fringe sitter.
you wondered if opiates would make you sleep better.
mum didn't.                   you chose acupunncture
to tap into northern rock and relieve the recession.
                                                         dad was redunndannt, you
                                        said it felt like being coerced into vodk
                                                                              a a
                                   nd dribbled superinnjunctionn on peer-pressure
                                                 after a couple of rounds of gulf
                                                                   gusted into ta
                                                                             ekwo
                                                                             ndo. 
tapping a tomahawk on the table
in mcdonnalds, with an illegal hangover,
you used to begrudgingly re-explainn

how it feels to kick a sixth former(
                                    the boxinngmann in the taxi, pulp 
                                    fictionn that you watched a few
                                    days earlier, like throwingasteam
                                    trainfromacruisemissilelauncher
)or why you listen to nnirvanna.

you were pre-june
before riot insecurity.

you were therrre before anyone had canncer.
you were therrre before i cut my haiir.


I did an experiment the other day and wrote from a prompt, this is something I edited from the OTS original.
#2
this is really a nice read. it seems more balanced and tempered than tapeworm in its experimentation.

i think what struck me the most was how coherent the imagery was, and yet how surprisingly and jarring they were. i loved the arc of the piece, how it unfolds and develops so surprisingly. "tapping a tomahawk on the table / in mcdonnalds, with an illegal hangover" is an awesome line.

overall, i really enjoy this piece. it opens and strides and closes all with a decisiveness. i am intrigued throughout. thanks.
#4
I don't think "thicker/ than syria, coarser thann/ afghannistann" is working. At first I thought you were trying to illustrate a degree of ethnicity but it seems more like your intent was to play off "sanndy hair."
It's an image with a lot of potential to be turned around (we hear sandy hair enough that we don't think of sand), but the country comparisons are too sweeping and complex to really work toward that end. There's just so much more than sand going on with them. Maybe hone in on something more precise or make their relevance to the rest of the piece apparent.

I tend to really like your portmanteaus ("nearlywear" is great, as are others like "mybigself" from other things you've written). The simplicity of the words you're combining aids them as building blocks, and somehow the concepts seem a little fresher. I think the effectiveness of "superinnjunctionn" and "throwingasteamtrainfromacruisemisslelauncher" is diminished, however, by some combination of less palpable ideas and, in the second case, a bunch of words at once.
#5
Thank you very much for your comments on this, especially on those two lines: I think I need to clarify their relevance and refer back to them in the piece, as in my head they are very important to the context of this - I see that there is too much going on there that is not expanded to it's full potential.

It hadn't occurred to me that super injunction is actually two separate words, that was a mistake, thank you for pointing that out, sometimes I think I spend a bit too much time thinking weirdly about words. The function of that other line was meant to be different though, rather than combining words I was removing the spaces (if that makes sense) to increase the pace, but maybe this was not the best choice of device considering I normally use it differently. I think I will change that to an extended single line to give that effect instead.