#1
This thread is about how you would fight different animals because we are probably going to have to one day in the near and/or far future. I know the score! I've read James Patterson's Zoo (it was okay). So let's swap tactics.

Reply with how you would fight the animal named by the poster above and then name another animal. You are allowed one household item (no actual weapons). Assume the animal is already aggressive.

Hippo
#2
I would use tweezers. This way, I will approach the hippo and pretend to be one of those birds that picks parasites from it's skin. After developing a bond with the animal and gaining it's trust, I will then suffocate the devil beast in it's sleep.

Tapir.
#4
A large bowie knife. Shove it right in the thing's throat as it lunges for you. With quick reflexes, I won't end up dead.

Elephant
#7
Sedate it and release it back into the water from whence it came.

Squid
¯\_()_/¯
#9
Quote by CaptainCanti
Sedate it and release it back into the water from whence it came.

Squid

I'd stand on the beach and hold up a photoshopped picture of me and his squid wife. That'd aggro him up onto the beach and once he's there he would be pretty fucked.

Tiger
#10
Quote by homeless-john
I'd stand on the beach and hold up a photoshopped picture of me and his squid wife. That'd aggro him up onto the beach and once he's there he would be pretty fucked.

Tiger


First I'd set up a cage with raw meat in it, lure the tiger in, close the cage. Then I'd sell it to a Chinese company which sells fur. That way I both get out of the situation alive and earn $$$

shark

edit: crap, didn't see 'one household item'. In that case I'd just bite off some of my own meat and chuck it in there.
Last edited by mickel_w at Jun 24, 2014,
#11
Fishing rod, ground beef as bait. Lure it, fish it and eat it ! Shark is delicious.

Anaconda.
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#13
punch the feathery bastard in the neck, then strangle it cartoon style

giraffe
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#14
Befriend it and then steal all of the toys.

Worm.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#15
this is america, we have guns. obviously.

baracuda

edit: just read the part about household items... if i were fighting worms id use a vacuum
Quote by Nelsean
Lil B, the young based god, has the ability to create music so profound, that others around him cannot even comprehend his magnificent verbal progressive nature.

Quote by The_Blode
^ oh hey y'all females...welcome !
Last edited by jimihendrix6699 at Jun 24, 2014,
#16
Drop a plugged-in toaster in the water.

Rat
Quote by H4T3BR33D3R
Youre officially uber shit now.

Quote by StewieSwan
3d9310rd is far more upset than i 

Quote by Bladez22
I'm a moron tho apparently and everyone should listen to you oh wise pretentious one
Last edited by K33nbl4d3 at Jun 24, 2014,
#18
Quote by slapsymcdougal
Balefire.

Hippo.


Clothing iron, when it's hot.


Rhinoceros.
#19
Quote by E7#9
Clothing iron, when it's hot.


Rhinoceros.

I'd fashion a spear out of one of those wooden poles that are used as racks in closets and stab it through the chest cavity as it slept.


Mongoose
Quote by Trowzaa
I wish I was American.

~ A Rolling Potato Gathers No Moss ~
#20
Probably use a bicycle and throw my pocket knife at (Edit: Oh, one household item. Right.) *wrestle it when I get close enough.

Ian_the_fox
Quote by snipelfritz
You lost me at "Lubricate."

I'm raw, like nature. Nature boy. Big jungle leaves are my cum rags.

Sometimes I fuck a bamboo shoot.


There's nothing left here to be saved
Just barreling dogs and barking trains
Another year lost to the blue line
Last edited by Joshua Garcia at Jun 24, 2014,
#22
dick her


your dad
Quote by Trowzaa
I wish I was American.

~ A Rolling Potato Gathers No Moss ~
#24
Quote by Joshua Garcia
Ian_the_fox

Punching Fist

Zebra.
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#25
Quote by Pastafarian96
Punching Fist

Zebra.


I'd use a sharpie to colour all of his white stripes black. Then I would spread rumours among the other zebras about how all black zebras are evil and will steal your bike. I will keep doing this for years, while also committing crimes against the stripes and make it look like blacks did it and the other way all around. Tensions will rise, and having been brought up all their lives by zebracists the next generation of zebras will incite an all-out zebrace war.

The first zebra will have died of old age at this point and will have lived a miserable life, having constantly been the subject of zebracism.

Aids-virus.
Last edited by ultimate-slash at Jun 25, 2014,
#26
Quote by ultimate-slash
I'd use a sharpie to colour all of his white stripes black. Then I would spread rumours among the other zebras about how all black zebras are evil and will steal your bike. I will keep doing this for years, while also committing crimes against the stripes and make it look like blacks did it and the other way all around. Tensions will rise, and having been brought up all their lives by zebracists the next generation of zebras will incite an all-out zebrace war.

The first zebra will have died of old age at this point and will have lived a miserable life, having constantly been the subject of zebracism.

Aids-virus.


Masturbation-supported abstinence and the passing out of church fliers

That crazy ass Chinese hornet thing that's the size of someone's hand
bawitaba a bang a bang diggy diggy diggy sed the boogie sed up jump the boogie
#27
Quote by RylanThePotato
Masturbation-supported abstinence and the passing out of church fliers

That crazy ass Chinese hornet thing that's the size of someone's hand

I think I'd fight that by shitting my pants in terror. I doubt that would be too effective, though. So, CO2 fire extinguisher, followed by boot-squishing.


Killer rabbit.
#28
Quote by slapsymcdougal
I think I'd fight that by shitting my pants in terror. I doubt that would be too effective, though. So, CO2 fire extinguisher, followed by boot-squishing.

Killer rabbit.


I'd get my Driver out of my golf club bag and smash that motherfu*ker over the horizon.

A swarm of Ferrets. Really pissed off Ferrets.
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#29
Quote by slapsymcdougal
Killer rabbit.

The obligatory holy hand-grenade of Antioch.
Quote by metacarpi
I'd get my Driver out of my golf club bag and smash that motherfu*ker over the horizon.

A swarm of Ferrets. Really pissed off Ferrets.

Shovel, I just have a good feeling.

flock of very angry crows
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
Last edited by Pastafarian96 at Jun 25, 2014,
#30
Umbrella, for sure.

Donkey
Quote by H4T3BR33D3R
Youre officially uber shit now.

Quote by StewieSwan
3d9310rd is far more upset than i 

Quote by Bladez22
I'm a moron tho apparently and everyone should listen to you oh wise pretentious one
#32
Quote by Arby911

1 Gallinipper.


Fixed bc fuk u. I'd kill it with my sandals
Gorilla
#33
Get a banana and offer it to him. He'll be so insulted that I stereotyped him he'll probably think so little of me that he just leaves.

Guinea pig but it's commandeered one of those remote control cars that flip around when they hit walls.
#34
Put the RC car outside, aimed towards the street. Good luck flippin' around a truck Mr guinea pig.

A pretty big seagull.
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#35
Quote by Good_Lord
Put the RC car outside, aimed towards the street. Good luck flippin' around a truck Mr guinea pig.

A pretty big seagull.


A fishing pole with a cheeto on the hook. Club it to death once I've reeled it in.


Feral Sloth
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.”
Charles Darwin
#36
Make sweet love to it

Panda
Quote by SG_dave at #33549256
I've never wanted to see a guy eat dick so much in my life.
Quote by ali.guitarkid7 at #33553650
If you are white, you are scum.
#37
Quote by CL/\SH
Make sweet love to it

Panda


Bass (guitar) to the Face

ring-tailed lemur
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
Last edited by Pastafarian96 at Jun 25, 2014,