#1
Last night we found a beach
braving the vacant lot and madman trees
until our feet found sand
who knew?

Last night heads upturned to sky
(breastbare cause **** it)
pointing out the kites amongst the constellations
naked as the night
held you close when the car came by
(i'm not that brave yet)

Last night parking, blatant in our
bodies and disregard
(do street signs count at five in the morning?)
I held you through the false dawn
Keep those sleepy kisses coming

Last night we put our clothes on in the street
And I love how you refuse to sleep
no matter how much I implore you
And I love how much it seems that I
Absolutely
Adore
You
(tonight)
Last edited by Faux at Jul 5, 2014,
#2
this is really nice. i love all the images you have and how this progresses. but i would say that the images could be more cohesive; after you introduce more, perhaps you could develop it better. the last stanza was especially exemplary of this - the first line is incredibly poignant, but i feel like you give up and try to wrap the piece up too quickly with unrelated lines.

there were a few other lines that to me were a bit out of place. "(breastbare cause **** it)", "Keep those sleepy kisses coming" were OK, but they didnt fit the tone of the piece, especially the first. the second is a bit weak and cliche to me.

still, a good read. thanks for posting.
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
this is really nice. i love all the images you have and how this progresses. but i would say that the images could be more cohesive; after you introduce more, perhaps you could develop it better. the last stanza was especially exemplary of this - the first line is incredibly poignant, but i feel like you give up and try to wrap the piece up too quickly with unrelated lines.

there were a few other lines that to me were a bit out of place. "(breastbare cause **** it)", "Keep those sleepy kisses coming" were OK, but they didnt fit the tone of the piece, especially the first. the second is a bit weak and cliche to me.

still, a good read. thanks for posting.


Thank you for your feedback! I definitely agree about sleepy kisses that one felt like phoning it in. I put it in because that night the girl this is about apologized for giving me "sleepy kisses" cause she was so tired =p. I'm a very literal writer, this is pretty much a play by play of a great night last week. I can also see tying the last stanza together better, the rhythm felt a bit odd to me there too.
#4
I'm picking up some jim morisson vibes with the descriptive imagery. That's a good thing he was a damn good lyricist in my opinion
#5
Picking up some very jim morisson vibes with the descriptive imagery. Overall i dig especially "vacant lot and madman trees" part