#1
or "would you fu/ck katy perry if you had the chance?"

this is rough.

on the cover of cosmo, 
katy perry stands elegant and long
her arms raised,
a right hand hidden behind her head
with the left poised and idle;

she looks dark and brooding:
burning; i can hardly tell
if it is lust or murder
that crouches in the blue
of her retinas, smiling in the shadows 
that cascade around them;
and i consider what her soft cheeks 
would look like adorned with
the soft gift of the male loin,
not from a wish of my own, but 
from years of too much indulgence.

katy perry stands short and shiny on the cover of cosmo,
wrapped in a dress of colorful plastic jewels
with a black zipper coyly dripping down the middle,
between her breasts, sliding against her navel,
and sweetly pooling between her thighs
resting gently, the blue background stark against
its black reptilian skin. i pretend i am the zipper
and i trace a fingertip down it, imagining the sound
of the teeth clicking joyously as we approach 
the spring, for are we not dying 
of thirst? but i pull away quickly at the hips,
in an attempt to tease my self 
(or her?
	)
and on the inside of cosmo,
more photos of katy perry are printed
in similar fashion- stock shots,
a full body pose, a close up of the face,
her mouth open, with teeth small and delicate;
we see how full her lips are,
moist and ripe, shimmering 
and perfectly able, we are made to understand:
and in the kitche.n alone
as the reading lamp’s bulb crackles lightly
i imagine a sauntering perry
sneaking up behind me,
draping her arms around my neck
and whispering epithets into my ear,
sweet and lovely, maybe even
biting a dangling earlobe, playfully,
laughing;

when i have gone this long without a human touch, 
i lose a whole afternoon flipping through magazines.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 10, 2014,
#2
Second stanza was the strongest, had to read it twice to appreciate its brilliance. And the closing one of course brought it together nicely. "Perry" was repeated a bit to much for me and i think the other sections could be pared down, nothing specific to offer on that account at the moment though. The overall sentiment however is really nice and very much to my taste in terms of the way you accessed it with the ostensible content if you know what i mean, i can't think of a better way to say that.
#4
Quote by LivinJoke84
*backs away slowly*



Where is the rhythm in the lines? Rhythmical structure of lyrics is all-important in creating a mood, making a song singable and imparting a feeling to the audience.
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#5
i enjoyed this. especially the ending. as i was reading i kept thinking this is well written but what's the point. then i read the last two lines and it all made since. not sure how important a title is to you but i think "katy perry" is the better title.

i know this wasn't much of a critique but if you feel like it. c4c
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#6
Quote by MikeBmusic

Where is the rhythm in the lines? Rhythmical structure of lyrics is all-important in creating a mood, making a song singable and imparting a feeling to the audience.


these aren't lyrics; that's rather self-evident. please don't read any of my pieces in the future if your critiques are like this one here.

thanks to those of you with more thoughtful critiques.
#7
Quote by hippieboy444
these aren't lyrics; that's rather self-evident. please don't read any of my pieces in the future if your critiques are like this one here.

thanks to those of you with more thoughtful critiques.



Excuse me, but you posted in the "Songwriting and Lyrics"section of the forum - WTF else do you think I would assume they are supposed to be? Maybe there is an 'obsessed fan poetry forum' you can post in!
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#8
mike - if you knew anything about this particular forum, you would know that many people post poetry here. in fact, all of the regulars in the community thread predominantly write poetry. i wouldn't expect you to know this, judging by your join date, but i would expect you to respect it. if you read a piece and have meaningful criticisms of it, by all means reply. but if you don't get it, or don't like it, or are expecting the piece to be something it was not intended to be, you should move on and find other pieces to critique. there is no shortage of them.

also, if you had read my piece with any sort of a discerning intellect, you would know that it is not obsessed fan poetry, though that is a clever quip and should be a genre of poetry. i wish i had invented it.

please refrain from reading and responding to any of my future pieces Mike.
#9
You know what's sad about people like Mike? They don't know when to shut up, nor do they investigate the matter of or they presumably assume they know everything in their space of time. You do have a point though, and it is already discussed. This forum needs a name change indeed.

The point is, think before acting.
#11
To anyone new, please read the rules before posting. This is a forum for writing. Any original work you have written in text form is accepted. Prose, poetry, stories, lyrics, are all accepted and welcome. If you have a problem with this, go elsewhere. If you cannot offer a genuine critique, go elsewhere. Warnings will be dealt next time.

Carry on.
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
To anyone new, please read the rules before posting. This is a forum for writing. Any original work you have written in text form is accepted. Prose, poetry, stories, lyrics, are all accepted and welcome. If you have a problem with this, go elsewhere. If you cannot offer a genuine critique, go elsewhere. Warnings will be dealt next time.

Carry on.


Are there rules for this section of the forum other than these ones? If there are, I did not see them and apologize. Nothing in those rules indicates anything other than Songwriting and Lyrics.
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2012 Taylor 310ce
2011 Fender CD140SCE
Ibanez 12 string a/e
73 Epi 6830E
72 Fender Telecaster
Epi Dot Studio
Epi LP Jr
Chinese Strat clone
Washburn Mandolin
Luna 'tatoo' a/e uke
antique banjolin
Squire J bass
#13
Those rules list accepted formats, including poetry.


hippieboy I enjoyed this, the only real thing that jumps out to me us that the last line is unnecessary. Both in that it is quite clumsy and that I think the content of it is already alluded to throughout the poem, so I kinda feel it is redundant to state it explicitly.
#14
Quote by MikeBmusic
Are there rules for this section of the forum other than these ones? If there are, I did not see them and apologize. Nothing in those rules indicates anything other than Songwriting and Lyrics.

Actually those rules do talk about writings other than songwriting and lyrics. It's right under accepted formats.

ACCEPTED FORMATS
You can post any form of original work, this includes: Lyrics, Poetry, Prose, Parodies, Short Stories, Screenplays and Scripts. There is no limit on the length of pieces; but a standard post has a maximum of 10,000 characters, they can be as short as 1 line too
#15
Quote by doubtfulsalmon

hippieboy I enjoyed this, the only real thing that jumps out to me us that the last line is unnecessary. Both in that it is quite clumsy and that I think the content of it is already alluded to throughout the poem, so I kinda feel it is redundant to state it explicitly.


yeah, i feel this. i wasn't sure how to draw this piece to a close.
#16
So, the act is interesting. It draws on for a long enough time before coming to the punchline that the effect feels similar to the eventual epiphany described. It's hard, though, to keep the focus through the poem without more hints of your own visage instead of indulging in Ms. Perry's. There are a few snippets of your scattered throughout, but there are more subtle textures to add on top to give this piece more intention or direction in its body. There is this beautiful thing that I love about film as a medium, and I think the same trait holds true for poetry: the documentation is never a depiction of an absolute 'reality', but rather, the artist's eye (either through camera or through words.) Your content could tell me more about what you want me to see rather than what you happened to see. To share voyeurism, it's all about the reveal.
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#17
I liked the ending, awesome hippeboy! The obession is strong in this one... also the curious nature of it... revealing just enough for each stanza that flips through the magazine. Imo, but if you're still debating yourself...why don't you read the magazine again? Maybe there's more relatable details to find that which you missed/or the feeling of it... anyways, perry is good enough for me!
#18
space of time. You do have a point FIFA Coins kaufen though, and it is already discussed. This forum needs a name change indeed.
Last edited by luojieh at Jul 30, 2014,
#19
You know what's sad about people like Mike? They FIFA Coins don't know when to shut up, nor do they investigate the matter of or they presumably assume they know everything in their space of time.