#1
to stay. but, 
yet withheld;

we ponder a sea of stars
as eager as once we
swam amongst them;

shy columns of light sinking between the cracks of our knuckles 


you stretch lazily, and 
recoil: in absence, i 
, tangled, and -
where there lies, no fury: 
circling at a distance.

i have displaced myself from ‘i’.
(useless) / a tract of black suspends 
there, where once you slept;


					(our bed, the word ‘i’, 
							recoiling

								  .
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 20, 2014,
#2
This is weirdly fascinating!

I like your flirt with the language.
@((0_o))@
#3
Being somewhat of a minimalist with punctuation, I had a difficult time parsing this.
To be honest, the top half just hits me as a short list of images that fall flat.

The second half, however, is "where it's at" (Is that still a thing people say ?).
The first paragraph shows us normal, what you expect to happen.
The second paragraph shows us the change and the pain that comes with it.

Classic storytelling hidden in a coded format.
#4
thanks for the thoughtful review. i definitely want to keep the first two lines, but i see your point about the following content before the break. i will have to muse over that.
#5
I think the second stanza ties the title to the piece incredibly. I wouldn't change it.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#6
i should say i scraped the title "spiritual but not religious". i tried to edit it off the thread, but it didn't take. here's a quick revision:

[size="4"]to stay. but, 
yet withheld;

		so awake,
	     patient as the light is
			in the dark

	      this learned state of mimesis:
		    the morning, the self
		all fractal columns slipping 
	as water through sieve


you stretch lazily, and 
recoil: in absence, 
, tangled, and -
where there lies, no fury: 
circling at a distance.

i have displaced myself from ‘i’.
(useless) / a tract of black suspends 
there, where once you slept;


					(our bed, the word ‘i’, 
							recoiling
								  .[/SIZE]


sorry for huge font.
#8
I don't know exactly where to begin parsing this piece. Can those of you who've more experience in poetry appreciation point me in the right direction and give a general idea of the rationale for determining what is going on here? Thematically, stylistically, grammatically, the whole jazz?

I admit newbishness in this regard but I figure writers like their work to be appreciated, right?