#1
when through
the woolen moons of your
eyes blue
comes some (spectacular
beauteous inviting)
notion of
my frail ineptitude,
i will
cower in the
solitude of your
gestures

weakening, still
i ask little of
anyone
except for
flowers in their
smiles and
sea in their
pockets

[the space around
us is
green &
spring &
my ears are
singing the
skin of your
fingers the
skin of your
stomach the
skin of your]
Last edited by rushmore at Jul 24, 2014,
#2
i really like this but i don't like the ending much. the last line seems more gestural than final; if i remember, was it previously "the skin of you"? i think i prefered that.

that being said, i still really liked this. it's so elegant. thanks/.
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
i really like this but i don't like the ending much. the last line seems more gestural than final; if i remember, was it previously "the skin of you"? i think i prefered that.


agree with this.

i can relate to this feeling so much it's funny, that whole combination of melancholy/fear and joy/empathy. whenever that happens to me i feel like i'm a character in some larger-than-life play. something like that.
Last edited by Dregen at Jul 25, 2014,
#4
The formatting is working against me, here. I have difficulty parsing phrases across line breaks, so this took me a couple of tries to make any sense of it.
I still can't make any sense of the second stanza. The first and third are both addressing the ambiguous "you", while the second seems like an "oh, by the way" tossed in as an elegant alternative to "umm". It breaks the stream of thought for me and just leaves me confused.
#5
As an exercise in creating imagery, this is well-developed. On the flip side, some of the language is unnecessarily verbose (note the first stanza in particular), which is grating. But that is a matter of style.