#1
I tried drawing another angel today
but I still can't get the proportion right
so I grabbed the Jameson
because the name reminds me of good decisions
that I regret anyways
and I put on Jack's Mannequin
because successful careers be damned
I'm still just a drunk little emo kid
that's better at sitting alone in the dark
than expressing my prettier thoughts

but if you left it up to me
my drawings would be as pretty as you-probably-don't-know-who
and I'd sing La La Lie so well
Andrew'd ask me to join the band
and I'd still be here in the dark
with a whiskey in one hand and Jamie in my lap
and the music'd put me in a better mood
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Jul 31, 2014,
#2
It's not your strongest piece, and I think you know it, but I still think you shared this for a purpose. I once thought that I couldn't write happy pieces and I had stuff that reminds me of this to try and work through it. Write what you know. Happy images can be melancholy, give that a roll.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
cmon, the green font on the black is so f-ing hard to read!

anyway, this reminds me of Tao Lin in some ways. direct, honest, and poignant. my gripe is that it reads too much like a story at times: this is a personal preference, but the use of "and", "so", "but" etc tend to create too strong a casualty within the poem that i don't think necessarily need be expressed (this causes that, describes events). i don't think you ought to remove every single one, but maybe consider which are absolutely necessary and which are more disposable. the first stanza, to me, could be streamlined in this way and would read more directly.

the second stanza is quite nice, though. not sure i'd change much there. it paints a nice portrait of a moment most everyone knows. thanks for posting.