#1
An echo in the nearing stillness...



"Just why wouldn't you let it go?"

"How many times have I told you to shut up?"



There are more to it, than a simple conversation..



"In times you will know, just let it be for christ sake!"

"it was hers, not of mine!"



And the halls of mentation, once a cinema
drowned of the ocean still..



"Our voices is the perfection of a vocal chord.."


"a membrane that breathes of cordial delight.."


"Branded is our names and these seats..


thus I bought you..
..for a price"



Last edited by Eccer at Aug 18, 2014,
#2
i've read this a couple times now, so i've given a decent effort towards meeting you. however, i really find this piece just faltering too much. many of the phrases seem haphazard and unrelated, and the formatting is working against you. albeit, up until "would he dare speak", there is a lot of promise: an arc and a sense of phrasing. it really is nice, the first however-many lines. yet, after that, it loses the unity. perhaps this is mainly faulted in the quote/italic lines (the center-weighted parts are good). i understand that you have a very specific style, but there's too much going on and too little of it focuses on unifying the piece.

just my take, anyway. sorry if i was a bit harsh. thanks for posting.
#3
No it's good! I guess I haven't managed to unfold my idea properly here, but if you look up and translate the title it should give you an idea what I'm reaching for...:-P But I can understand why it would come off as unrelated and a bit...random. But, experimenting always gives new ideas!


I guess I enjoy doing weird shit. Thanks man, appreciate the honesty!
#4
Is this filled with the background noise of a market place perhaps? I found this was best understood in a number of separate readings, starting with the centered stanzas.

I think the left/right sections may be more effective in a different size font (smaller or larger, it depends where you want to draw the focus) and maybe if you included more of them you could build some side plots to work in conjunction, then the noise would be bolder also. Feel free to ignore that, just me thinking aloud.

Also, I think you might need some punctuation after "am I haunted" just to give the two phrases some separation, as it is I'm not sure it works.

I very much enjoyed the imagery of this, and how you bring it to a close with rhyme.