#1
The thing inside
that lurks beneath
can't hear or be heard
nor see or be seen

Always with me
unfortunately loyal
committed to my
eventual destroyal

A darkness within
surfacing with ease
as strong as the tides
serenading the beach

The surf is rough
the undertow strong
pulling me under
until the end of it's song

Upon the first note
it's already too late
I'm out of body
and it's in my place

A feeding frenzy
like blood in the ocean
brings sharks to the surface
to feed void of emotion

The thing inside
can't hear my defiance
just plays out it's song
while I suffer in silence
I enjoy laughing, playing guitar, vaginas and basketball.
#2
I for one appreciate the subtle Freudian conscious-subconscious dynamic, particularly in the first and second stanzas, i.e., the simultaneous forces of libido and the death drive enunciated by the narrator. In the final stanza, the struggle of the narrator's id to express itself in the highly repressive situation (itself expressed in "a feeding frenzy" in the prior stanza), all the while struggling with his/her ego--it's stunningly beautiful.

Furthermore, the jaunt into meta-narration (e.g., "until the end of it's song") contributes to this profoundly psychological exercise.

All in all, exceptionally well done. Just needs more phallocentric imagery and it's golden.
#3
THANK YOU!
I had to look many of those words up btw lol. That's some vocabulary you have!
I enjoy laughing, playing guitar, vaginas and basketball.
#4
Not sure how this slipped through the cracks. This is dark and really good.

It seems to be about addiction without coming out and announcing that it is.

"always with me, unfortunately loyal"- addiction.
"as strong as the tides" - the throes of addiction.
Jimmy cracked corn and I did care.
Last edited by CamelToeJoe at Sep 6, 2014,
#5
The first and second stanzas are absolutely ecstatic and outstanding. Need some more good performance.
#6
Thanks guys.

Would have replied sooner had I not been ug-incarcerated for "being annoying".
I enjoy laughing, playing guitar, vaginas and basketball.