#1
nod to Jimmy in the first stanza.


Gaping always, as I sometimes sleep and later lie next to I-495 with
its wash of noise. But I told the truth when she asked me if I cared
and I said I was terrified. Eighteen wheels roar past my room.

Memories congeal like individual cars. There was a lot we explored:
tunnels with sperm spray-painted all around, towers where I put
my ear to the underside of the road

and other places as flooded and narrow as amnesia’s recess. A friend
told me they had been there too. I said I never knew it had a name,
I just thought the love inside me had become a place.
Last edited by brokencoastline at Aug 12, 2014,
#3
Nice!

I was on 495 years ago and had to piss fierce. Trees on either side flying by as I raced southbound for an exit. Then it happened. The trees had ended and I was on the inside lane by a jersey wall that separated Northbound from Southbound traffic. The traffic had come to a dead stop as it often does in NOVA and my bladder felt like it was about to explode. I just knew I was about to give birth to an incredible piss, possibly a two-flusher with no bottles around. I had no choice. I had to get out and piss in a traffic jam. It wasn't all bad though, the Northbound side was moving ok. So I get out and piss on the jersey wall facing the northbound traffic to a barrage on honking horns, waves, laughs and thumbs up. I was so relieved that I didn't piss on myself I just smiled and waved back. Felt like I was pissing forever. Anyway, your I-495 line reminded me of this so I had to share.

I'd stay away from sperm plastered storm drains btw lol.
I enjoy laughing, playing guitar, vaginas and basketball.
Last edited by swiftyclown at Aug 12, 2014,
#4
The notions in this are really lovely and I think with a few little tweaks in voice, it could really hit.

some things:

"Memories congeal like individual cars. There was a lot we explored:"

'There was a lot we explored' just sounds flat next to what it's next to. Maybe cut it to simply 'We explored:' or something less conversational to match the tone. Conversation is not bad at all but right here it feels awkward.


"and other places as flooded and narrow as amnesia’s recess." should stand as its own line. It's very important. It could even be its own stanza if you put in an extra line break.
I think another break could go in between "me" and "had" in the last line


this is a shorter poem of your's so it needs some room to breathe. it's got a bit right now but sitting on it for a little while and coming back to it may be a good idea.

beautiful stuff though, as always
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#5
i give this a thumbs-up. vintage_metal brings up a couple points i agree with. not sure about "sperm spray-painted", the image (while true (i assume)) is a bit vulgar compared to the rest of the poem. "eighteen wheelers roar pass my room" is a bit flat, doesnt seem to add much to the poem. not sure about "amnesia's recess". on the face it sounds intriguing, but i am not sure about what it's bringing to the poem.

the last stanza really ties this together.

good work. thanks for posting.