#1
I don't particularly know why I'm posting this; I guess I just kind of want to externalize my thoughts in some way and hopefully get some advice.

Basically I've struggled with depression for a long time; probably since I was 14-15. I've been hospitalized 3 times, and have tried to commit suicide more times than I can remember. I'm not trying to gain anyone's sympathy though, I'm just explaining my situation.

I'm now 20, almost 21, and just transferred to a new university where I will hopefully get accepted into either a computer or electrical engineering major. So far I have done very well in school, especially in my math and science classes, but I'm still very nervous about my classes at my new school since it's a much more rigorous school where it is less forgiving of slacking of any kind. What if I start failing classes and can't do engineering? I can't possibly imagine doing anything but engineering or something technical because it's the only thing I'm somewhat good at and feel comfortable with.

Education aside, I just have very cynical feelings about the world and I don't really like a lot of things about myself. Knowing everything that goes on in my mind I know I can either be a really nice person probably half of the time but sometimes my mind is just filled with really nasty thoughts and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being so socially awkward and seemingly incompetent in my areas of interest whether it be music or academics, even if I do have grades to show that I'm not.

I don't even know why I'm posting on a guitarist forum anymore because I honestly probably haven't played guitar at all in months. I suck now and I just don't have the urge to play again. I still play piano but I'll never be good enough to perform in a concert setting even if I do practice every day. Sometimes it even seems like I'm getting worse at these things as I age.

I had to do placement testing for my university's choir today, and I sang in choir all throughout high school and all last year at my old university. Since my old university's music department happens to be quite reputable and my university's choir director happened to get her undergrad degree there, she asked me to do a simple sight-singing audition for the other choir which you can only get in by audition. It was one line of music in the key of C and I totally bombed it. I've never been good at sight reading but it's just embarrassing for me to have all this great choir experience and throw away a good opportunity to expand that experience because I can't do simple sight reading even after all those years. Maybe it was just nerves. Maybe I should have tried to do some sight singing before i went, but I still feel crappy about it. I've had success with harder auditions in the past, why am I failing now?

Sometimes it seems my mind is losing any sharpness it had, and the reason to me is still unknown. Sometimes it seems that despite my efforts to try and be more outgoing and "normal", I've in fact become more awkward.

As for relationships, well my experience with them as been terrible to put it simply. Every single relationship I've had has always ended in disaster with me feeling very intensely and not being afraid to express it. At this point, it's hard for me to find girls who I would honestly try or even want to try to talk to. I know that most just wouldn't be into me nor would I be into them. God help anyone who would be into me because I'll likely end up being something they regret, and I don't want that. Also, I have bad cystic acne, and while I take antibiotics for it which has helped, their effectiveness seems to be fading and there doesn't seem to be many other options according to my doctor.

Even my relationship with my family leaves much to be desired. My parents are alcoholics whom I feel hardly understand who I am. I've treated my mom terribly in some cases but she has done the same to me. I rarely see my dad anymore.

So here I am, at a school with around 25,000 students and I haven't made any real friends yet. Just as at home, I spend a lot of time in my room not even doing anything in particular, a lot of times I just stare blankly at my computer monitor and wonder what the point of any of this is? I can't help but feel like somethings fundamentally wrong with me, like there's a few screws loose or something. I feel empty and that emptiness doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

Thanks to whoever actually reads this, and if anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated.
Guitars:
ESP Horizon NT-II
Schecter Jeff Loomis 7 string
Ibanez RG370DXGP2
Some cheap Cort Acoustic

Amps:
Peavey Vypyr Tube 60

Effects:
Line 6 Pod HD500

Keyboard/Piano:
Yamaha YDP161 Arius Digital Piano
Last edited by Stringz of Fury at Aug 27, 2014,
#2
Hang in there and find something that lights your eyes. Something that pounds your heart. Something that taps your feet. Something to hold. Something to love. Something to hate. Something to feel inside.

Find something, and you'll be found.

#charismatic #speechfrombraveheartnotreally
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#3
Quote by Nelshizzle
Hang in there


such unfortunate choice of words though
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#5
I think you're being too hard on yourself. Just let loose and start doing things you like. Even if these things don't lead you to a professional career or whatever (playing guitar, piano, singing). Not having friends is a problem though. Just try joining some clubs at your university or just start talking to some guys/girls in your classes. Im sure if you act cool, funny, smart, etc someone is gonna want to hang with you. I'm sorry about your acne and your parents, but can you really complain about things that can't change? Just look through that stuff. Keep pursuing what ever it is that you want, don't give up. Life is too short to be sad when you have opportunities. Keep your head up
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
There shall be a stop to this madness. The battle is not over. My tasty licks aren't going anywhere.

Quote by The_Blode
^ I've just realised if you say Simple Plan's 2011 effort "Get Your Heart On!" really fast in a Southern American accent, it sounds gross. . .like sexual gross!

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Hello.
I'm looking for professional bongo-ists and triangle-ists to make a Progressive Technical Brutal Death Metal band
(will be called AxOxJxLxAxIxVxXxUxWxZxQxUxRxWxGxJxSxAxLxKxMxNxHxUxGxAxAxWxVxCxBxZxVx)
(Don't even ask what it means)


https://soundcloud.com/95dank



#6
You should play some Diablo 3 hardcore mode.
Some see the glass half full, others see the glass half empty. Me? I see that the glass is refillable.
#7
Thanks for making me feel better about myself I guess, I don't why else you'd post this.
#8
The feelings you describe are familiar to me and countless others. You may feel alone, but you are not.

Depression has been defined as the inability to construct/to see any future, so everything seems hopeless. I reckon that is a pretty fair definition, based on my experience.

It sounds as though you lack self-confidence and worry about the future. You write, I still play piano but I'll never be good enough to perform in a concert setting even if I do practice every day. This assertion lacks logic. That's not a put-down but an observation. How can proficiency not improve with consistent practice? Does not compute.

Part of the problem of depression is not understanding its nature. It's like being possessed by some demon. Once upon a time, depression thwarted my ambitions because I didn't understand it.

Sometimes it seems my mind is losing any sharpness it had, and the reason to me is still unknown. Sometimes it seems that despite my efforts to try and be more outgoing and "normal", I've in fact become more awkward. My advice is to seek professional counselling ASAP.

Your life is on hold UNTIL you get the depression sorted.
#9
Try listening to Beck. You'll be confused by the lyrics instead of sad about your life.
I rap for mill-i-ons, sesquipedalians.
#10
TS, I think if you find something to be passionate about then, then things will be better for you. Not perfect. But better.

Work hard, join some school clubs, and try to have fun (without doing dumb things). Try to see things in a positive light, even when it seems darker than ever.


Btw, your school probably will provide professional counseling services. I recommend you utilize those.
#11
I didn't really read all of that thoroughly, but I get the gist of your issues. When I was around your age, 20 - 21, I went through a drastic change. I lost a lot of weight, got involved in heavy drinking and drug use, had lots of unprotected sex, did a lot of other reckless things, and I was having so much fun with it that when I finally stopped, I realized all I had done was hide from my problems. They sprung out all at once, and it led to a DUI, my fiancee ditching me, losing my job, losing the best friend I ever had in life, gaining weight, and just flat out falling apart, man.

It was an invaluable lesson and character building experience. I'm in my late 20s now, sober, clean, getting in better shape, going back to school, working at a shitty job yet still grateful for it, and I've got a clearer, adult view of the world. But man, let me tell you, shit like depression, rage, anxiety, it doesn't just go away. I have facets of borderline personality disorder, so I have to make a daily conscious effort to handle things in a mature, objective way. Someone cancels plans with me, I might've once gotten angry and lashed out at them, but now I know that's ******ed. I react to the disappointment with a calm acceptance that I can't control everything.

You've got to get a handle on your shit man. You're aware that the way you feel and think isn't right and it's not what you want. That's a good enough step in the right direction. Get yourself in with a therapist, someone you can talk to once or twice a week, and ease your way into trying out some anti-depressants. And keep in mind, dude, that you're still fairly young, and things do change as you get older. I'm definitely not the same person I was 6-7 years ago.

If you want something done, you have to put in the work, man. Can't sight-read music? Learn how to. Suck at guitar? Practice, and accept that you'll have some bad days and some good days. Feel awkward in social situations? Understandable. Spend more time in social situations, then. How about complimenting people? Make someone feel good. Exercise, for at least 15 minutes a day. It helps. And your acne? Dude, my brother has had acne problems his whole life. He nails women all the time ...and has a kid as a result, haha.

Seriously, dude. I'm feeling where you're at right now. But if you want to be better, you've gotta go make yourself better, and deal with the negative feelings and thoughts as they come. Accept that sometimes that's just gonna be your mood, and live your way through it, man. There's more potential in you than you realize, and you'll be amazed by how good you'll feel when you work hard and achieve even the simplest things.

If you ever need to talk something out, feel free to send a PM to me, man.
#12
Quote by NewDayHappy
You should play some Diablo 3 hardcore mode.

D3 is shit, he should play some PoE.
#13
I have a friend who is a total idiot but he constantly points out his (few) good sides - like his (below average) guitar playing, (average) success in engineering high school, and his (weird) sense of humor. Yet he gets reps from many people who don't see through his bullshit - but he still gets some reps.

Why don't you allow yourself to be an ignorant egoist asshole in some situations? It's not against the law! The feeling is great, and you might even get some p*ssy.

People can't see the intelligence or any other positive traits through your head - you sometimes have to impose them onto others. They mostly don't get mad until you start humiliating or insulting them.
Quote by ChemicalFire
You get my first ever lolstack






The image in my head is just too funny for words at this point


Aw yeah.
#14
Quote by TheNameOfNoone
I have a friend who is a total idiot but he constantly points out his (few) good sides - like his (below average) guitar playing, (average) success in engineering high school, and his (weird) sense of humor. Yet he gets reps from many people who don't see through his bullshit - but he still gets some reps.

Why don't you allow yourself to be an ignorant egoist asshole in some situations? It's not against the law! The feeling is great, and you might even get some p*ssy.

People can't see the intelligence or any other positive traits through your head - you sometimes have to impose them onto others. They mostly don't get mad until you start humiliating or insulting them.



I did this ages ago, describing myself as a better guitarist than I was.
Obviously I had to be somewhat competent to pull off the lie since if I made myself out to be an ultimate shredder but couldn't play more than 3 chords, I would be found out immediately, but I made myself out to be like a virtuoso and people believed the lie. I managed to get way further than I should have at the time due to this, and even now people think I've gotten even better (even though now I'm around what I described I used to be).

It does feel good, even though you've not really done anything. It really boosted confidence as well as seeming to make me improve quicker (or I just started to believe the lie)

Which makes me think that a key factor in life (and guitar playing) is how well you can lie and how confident you are with the lie.

True story.
When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
Last edited by link no1 at Aug 28, 2014,
#15
Quote by Mud Martian
If you want something done, you have to put in the work, man. Can't sight-read music? Learn how to. Suck at guitar? Practice, and accept that you'll have some bad days and some good days. Feel awkward in social situations? Understandable. Spend more time in social situations, then. How about complimenting people? Make someone feel good. Exercise, for at least 15 minutes a day. It helps. And your acne? Dude, my brother has had acne problems his whole life. He nails women all the time ...and has a kid as a result, haha.


The thing is, I have practiced. I have tried to get better and it just seems like I make no progress in certain things, so I feel like there is something physically wrong with my brain at times. I've taken medications for depression before and I worry that they may have permanently and affected my brain in a way that hinders it's performance. Or perhaps that several hanging attempts have damaged my brain.

I've paid close attention to which activities give me the most trouble and I think I've narrowed it down to a single category. This category is that of the activities which require fast reaction times where you cant afford to make a mistake. Of course, people do make mistakes; it's inevitable. However, through my personal experience I have observed that the consistency of my mistakes seems to be far greater than those of other people I have observed who are participating in the same activity. I just feel very "slow", even though it doesn't necessarily correlate with my intellectual ability.

For example, I have videos of me covering songs on guitar. You might watch them and say I played them very well and while I will thank you for your compliment, in the back of my mind I know how many takes it took me to get that level of quality. Obviously, when people record music professionally they record as many takes as they feel they need to get what they think is their best level of quality, this isn't what concerns me. What concerns me is my apparent inability to perform well in front of an audience. Now, I have performed in many concerts as a member of a choir but my advantage there is I simply just have to blend with everyone else in my section and I don't embarrass myself. If I'm playing piano accompaniment for a choir however, I can't afford to freeze up; as I often do when I play the piano, because it would ruin the entire performance.

It goes beyond my musical abilities however, as even in video games, I seemed to have lost any responsiveness/skill I may have had in my early gaming years. I often play league of legends with my friends and probably over half the time I get utterly destroyed in lane, so I usually play jungle. I just don't seem to have nearly as good mechanics/motor skills as other players so it seems hopeless that I'll ever be as good as them. It seems hopeless that I'll ever be good at anything that requires intense muscle memory.

Socializing is no different for me. To me it's still dependent on fast reactions and when having a conversation I can't always think of the right thing to say next so I stutter or mumble or change my sentence halfway through finishing one or just completely freeze up.

The only thing I have been able to succeed at within recent years is academics, and that's mostly because I work harder than most people when it comes to school. Half of the time I don't understand concepts in school as quickly as other people but I always do whatever I need to do to make sure I do when it comes time for an exam. It is my persistence that has gained my success in anything, whether it's music or school, but it's just frustrating having to spend all this time and energy for such little gains when other people seem to achieve much more with very little effort.

I apologize for writing this wall of text and if I sound like I'm just rambling, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and I want to be very precise in explaining my situation.
Guitars:
ESP Horizon NT-II
Schecter Jeff Loomis 7 string
Ibanez RG370DXGP2
Some cheap Cort Acoustic

Amps:
Peavey Vypyr Tube 60

Effects:
Line 6 Pod HD500

Keyboard/Piano:
Yamaha YDP161 Arius Digital Piano
Last edited by Stringz of Fury at Aug 28, 2014,
#16
every winner in life would have worried if they would have won or not before they won.

the ones that didn't don't deserve it much.

you'll do fine in engineering class. it would be a bad thing if you weren't worried.

depression is difficult, none of us can solve that. try and soak up as much as you can.
"I specialize in driving a set like I'm driving a Lexus" - Uncle Mez
#17
I suggest two things for you, friend:

1) seek help for your depression, talk therapy and (maybe) meds if needed
2) exercise

I have a therapist (true story!) and that's not a bad thing. The main thing she's done for me is turn me on to weight-lifting as a natural antidepressant. The added bloodflow to my biceps makes them look pretty good for a few hours, too, so I get a nice little narcissistic lift thinking (falsely or not) I actually may be getting ripped. Still helps!

I've got a friend who runs for the same reason. Running ain't for me! I'm quick as Hell for, like, 30 feet, and then I'm not much good anymore (a sprinter), but it works for him.

I bike instead. Much better at biking.

As for engineering, don't worry about it! It's a good job, but a hell of a tough degree, and what does it prove anyway? You're a smart person, everyone knows that. I tried engineering, couldn't hang!

Now I'm a dentist. (Pays better, A LOT better!!!)

You never know what might come your way in terms of relationships, career paths, etc. And what criteria do you judge your guitar/piano playing by anyway?

Bob Dylan sucks at guitar!! Awesome musician, though. Excellent poet and storyteller.

It's not how splendidly you perform, but how much heart you put into it. Playing splendidly (or amazingly, or precisely) has value, sure, but you're competing with a lot of great people when you try and do that!

I try and play interesting music. I try to come up with riffs I might want to listen to - and I do listen to myself, that way at least somebody does! (lol)

I'm not the best guitarist in the world, but I've got some good songs.

You know who else influenced me a lot? Johnny Cash!

Don't give up on yourself. Get some help for your depression (I do!) and find ways to have fun every day.
#18
Sorry if this comes across a bit crass, but when's the last time you worked out?

Exercise fortifies the body and the mind. Go for a jog, do some push ups and sit ups. Anything to break a sweat everyday and keep yourself active.

Edit: ^
#19
Well, today turned out to be a good day. I made a new friend in my physics class today who ended up introducing me to three of his friends and we went to my schools opening football game and watched a movie afterwards. While it's not quite lifting weights, I'm going to be playing soccer with him tomorrow.
Guitars:
ESP Horizon NT-II
Schecter Jeff Loomis 7 string
Ibanez RG370DXGP2
Some cheap Cort Acoustic

Amps:
Peavey Vypyr Tube 60

Effects:
Line 6 Pod HD500

Keyboard/Piano:
Yamaha YDP161 Arius Digital Piano
#20
Welcome to getting older, your senses will only continue to dull and you'll become even more cynical and awkward.

I'd like to prescribe you some xanex.
Trust me, I'm an alcoholic.

Soccer's fun. Serioiusly hanging out with people and forgetting about everything and not focusing on negative stuff is best, it's a hard loop to pull yourself out of, but it's good if you can.
Last edited by stratkat at Aug 29, 2014,
#21
I sometimes have the same problem with progress as you describe, practising and not seeming to get any better, but I think it comes down to your mood. If your not motivated etc to play then you just go through the motions and don't improve, when you see you're not improving you lose more motivation and it becomes a vicious cycle