#1
sitting naked,
in a sturgis office chair,
with a single fan,
and a used Chinese take-out
terriyaki stick,
scraping
a one hitter into a five-gallon
utility bucket
on jefferson
ave,

he picks through
cases and cases
of music in case
he missed the
disc with the song
that would
back track
thoughts
connect dots
to the first
act of the
never ending
theater show;
and fire smells;
flannel tops;
no mom and pop;

and he went flip, pull, insert,
play, listen, eject.
flip-pull-insert-play-listen-eject
faster now.

this continued onward
until the year rewound
and opened new wounds,
yet no new sounds,
but retracing the distance
between him and
his first listen,
when nothing
ever seemed
so out of bounds;

as does everything;


as of now.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Aug 28, 2014,
#2
Strong piece.

The first stanza sets the mood quite well, it gives me a feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, cold, rainy cities, glaring, buzzing TL and a relentlessly rotating fan. Nice.

The second part picks up the pace. The rhythm intensifies, I could picture our man frantically, deliriously searching. I like the repetition of 'case', very rhythmical again. I like the phonic pairs thoughts/dots, missed/disc.
Not sure what to make of the last two lines, I fear that's a bit too vague for me.

The third part is simply perfect.

Another tasty little almost-rhyme in the fourth, in distance/listen. Then the stretched-out cadence of rewound/sound/bounds/now. "The year rewound" changes my earlier interpretation of a frantic search into one of quiet resignation.

Now, I may be a bit old-fashioned in this respect, but I've never fully understood the urge to cut off sentences in certain ways. For the most part (in your piece) I feel it, but not everywhere. Would you care to explain your motivation? I'm willing to learn.
Also, I myself am usually (also quite old-fashioned) one for a rather strict rhyme-sequence (maybe that's because I write lyrics more often than poetry, and classicalish poetry more often than modern poetry). Same as above, care to elaborate?
That said, I am starting to feel how the two points above add to the general feel of your piece, so I will definitely explore that direction.

Lastly, I'd love to hear what inspired you to write this; I feel there's a lot in there I don't understand.

Edit: I might add, I haven't been on this forum for ages, but after my first 5 random thread-clicks on this sub-forum today I was rather disappointed. This one shows some of the glory I used to know.
Last edited by Philip Xander at Aug 28, 2014,
#4
Simple and fun piece, yet it lacks edge. Please read some language poetry , I believe you will love it and grow with it. This is your path and you should continue onwards to develop your vocabulary and use it to make your wordplay a true swordplay.

A great article focusing on Charles Bernstein but with great examples and truly inspiring ideas, can be found here as well: http://parnassusreview.com/archives/1534

Now it may sound like I didn't like your piece or I am being rude by not critiquing it properly, but I do think it exemplifies your potential and just requires some tightening to be truly masterful.
This is not a pipe