#1
Now I'm always SUPER shy about sharing my lyrics, because I never ever like them. However here are the lyrics for the first single of an album I've been working on it. If you don't like it can you please at least be constructive about it?

Metanoia for the record is a psychological term that describe a "process of fundamental change in the human personality."

No matter if the sky falls in,
I'll keep my eyes the horizon.
The blood may run from my head,
I was nothing if not genuine.

What else is there when I've destroyed it all?
On the edge of oblivion there is only I.

Fossilize my sense of self
So my mistakes are immortalised.
A monument to self destruction
Scuplt my heart of stone and ash.

All the dust will be swept away,
This loney road leads to nowhere now.
What there once was, there will never be.
A new world in a collum of smoke.
A new face in the fire.

I've never seen this shade of gray.
Metanoia.

Paint the walls afresh with ash.
I will start again. I will start anew.
They may find my bones, but they will never find me.
Metanoia. They will never find me.

I wouldn't take it back, even if I could.
What is done for love is done in honesty.
Like an empire in flames, I will burn.
Like a pheonix rising, I will return.

What else can I do when I have surrendered myself?
On the edge of oblivion there was only I, because of you.

It could have been anything else.
Nenia Dea over Venus. Orcus, not Luna.
But here I stand, let the tide burn me away.
In the name of Venus, I will forget me.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#2
Pretty good! I was drawn to this thread by the title, actually; I love that word.

You have some very strong lines in here, which somehow radiate power:
'Fossilize my sense of self' - very good find
'A monument to self-destruction' - I like the paradox in that
'They may find my bones, but they will never find me'
'What is done for love is done in honesty' - it's almost Shakespeare
'On the edge of oblivion there is only I'
I like those lines a lot.

'I was nothing if not genuine' is also loaded with meaning and assocation, nice.

That said, some lines are a bit clichéd:
'Heart of stone' - although partially saved by adding 'sculpt', which has a nice flavour and link-up with the title
'Sky falls in', 'destroyed it all', 'road leads nowhere', 'start again', the phoenix concept - sorry to say, these are done a bit too often. I'm also not a big fan of running into 'ash' and 'new' multiple times in the piece.

The last verse is very interesting. The gods and godesses you mention are rather stylish choices. 'I will forget me' is a sweet twist. 'tide'/'burn', is that paradox on purpose? If so, nice.

The rhythm feels odd to me, but then I don't know the music behind it..

Overall, I feel the piece holds its own; if you wanted to, you could record it tomorrow.
However, I think if you put a bit more effort into it you can, if you will, compress the last bits of coal into diamond - you obviously have the brains and creative expression for it, and you'll thank yourself later.

If I may ask, what did your writing process look like? How long ago did you write it, how often did you edit, how much has it changed, etc?

Here's some tips on how I would proceed:
-Cut. Some things feel bulky, cumbersome, or repetitive (to me). Take them out (for now) and see how the song (lyrically and musically) feels. Does it need the text? If so, can you replace it?
-Brainstorm on the phrases that feel clichéd, and on the text in general. Which other words are close in meaning? Use a thesaurus, dictionary, encyclopedia and other resources and your own imagination to just come up with as much as possible, then select the best ones later. For example, when given 'ash(es)' Thesaurus comes up with an array of nice words, including charcoal, soot and slag - scroll a bit further down and you'll find another branch of words pertaining to the same thing, including carbon, scoria and slack. First thing I thought when I saw the word carbon was 'carbon copy', which could very much fit into your concept. Take that process as far as you like..
(this is actually one of the ways I sometimes elicit inspiration, by brainstorming all the beautiful words and assocations I can find pertaining to my subject matter, linking them, combining them, using them to form new pathways, etc etc)

Of course, feel free to ignore anything I said Art is art.

Keep it up!
-Philip

Ps. I think I just heard the music to this in another thread on this sub-forum? That's some good stuff, dude..
Last edited by Philip Xander at Aug 28, 2014,
#3
Whoa, thanks for the detailed response! Exactly the kind of the thing I was after. I'll look into cutting some of the cliches out. I do hate cliches but I find myself falling into them quite a lot.

The rhythm feels a bit off because well, the rythmn of the music is a bit off, lots of strange time signatures and emphasis (I'll add the midi of the track at the bottom of this post.)

My writing process is something like this. I write the music in a way that relates to the emotion that I'm feeling at the time. Then I let it sit for a bit. After a while I come back and write lyrics based on what the song itself makes me feel, separate from whatever feeling I may have felt when first writing it.

When I come to write lyrics I tend to try and write a narrative and then hide it. This song is from the perspective of a victim of the Pompeii volcanic eruption; one of the figures that were found standing fossilised in the streets (I have another song I've been working on about the sinking of the Titanic.) There was once a line that directly referenced that fact but I took it out because it sounded corny. I am a fan of grandiose concepts (hence the narrative) and so I try and fit the syntax when I write. When I'm writing I tend to repeatedly play my GP5 demo and sing/whisper/talk along with it to make sure it fits and I'll do this over and over again, changing and deleting parts. This was written a few months ago and I've been sitting on it for a while.

Anyway, thanks again!
Attachments:
Metanoia.zip
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Aug 28, 2014,
#4
Yeah man, I'd found the .midi in your other thread, cleared up a lot for me
Nice, freaky stuff man!

Either way, if you do decide to re-write (parts of) it, let me know; I'm curious to see what you would make out of it.

Peace out!
#5
Thanks man. I'll bump this thread if I get a new version out soon, if not I'll make a new thread. Look out for it!
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#6
Damn man, you shouldn't be shy about sharing your lyrics if they're all this good. Some of the best stuff I've seen on here.
#8
Wow... That is intense. Looking forward to hearing it all polished together.
#9
Here's a new version of the lyrics.


No matter the gravitas, (48 - 57)
I'll keep my eyes the horizon.
Though the blood may run from my eyes,
I was nothing if not genuine.

What else is there when I have destroyed it all? (58 - 65)
On the edge of oblivion there is only I.

Fossilize my sense of self (66 - 73)
So my mistakes are immortalised.
A monument to self-destruction
A Babel Tower for the forgotten.

The past is guilded with flame (74 - 82)
This is decay; this is rebirth.
What there once was, there will never be.
A new world in a collum of smoke.
A new face in the fire.

I've never seen this shade of gray. (93 - 94)
Metanoia. (97 - 98)

All is quiet now; this is out of my control (107 - 122)
This air of rotten days(/acceptance) burns my lungs.
They may find my bones, but they will never find me.
Metanoia. You will never find me.

I wouldn't take it back, even if I could. (156/7 - 172)
What is done for love is done in honesty.
One last attempt, a hand reached out to a second sun.
But to hold it, melts the soul out of all I've ever known.

What else can I do when I have surrendered myself? (195 - 203)
On the edge of oblivion there was only I, because of you.

It could have been anything else. (203 - 218)
Nenia Dea over Venus. Orcus, not Luna.
But here I stand, let the tide burn me away.
In the name of Venus, I will forget me.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!