#1
This is on a bus back from camp. I’m thirteen and so are you. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadn’t met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and just one girl. That’s you. And we’re still at camp as long as we’re on the bus and not at the pickup point where our parents would be waiting for us. We’re still wearing our orange camp t-shirts. We still smell like pineneedles. I like you and you like me and I more-than-like you, but I don’t know if you do or don’t more-than-like me. You’ve never said, so I haven’t been saying anything all summer, content to enjoy the small miracle of a girl choosing to talk to me and choosing to do so again the next day and so on. A girl who’s smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh, is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh, but who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be. A girl who reads books that no one’s assigned to her, whose curly brown hair has a line running through it from where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet

Back in the real world we don’t go to the same school, and unless one of our families moves to a dramatically different neighborhood, we won’t go to the same high school. So, this is kind of it for us. Unless I say something. And it might especially be it for us if I actually do say something. The sun’s gone down and the bus is quiet. A lot of kids are asleep. We’re talking in whispers about a tree we saw at a rest stop that looks like a kid we know. And then I’m like, “Can I tell you something?” And all of a sudden I’m telling you. And I keep telling you and it all comes out of me and it keeps coming and your face is there and gone and there and gone as we pass underneath the orange lamps that line the sides of the highway. And there’s no expression on it. And I think just after a point I’m just talking to lengthen the time where we live in a world where you haven’t said “yes” or “no” yet. And regrettably I end up using the word “destiny.” I don’t remember in what context. Doesn’t matter. Before long I’m out of stuff to say and you smile and say, “okay.” I don’t know exactly what you mean by it, but it seems vaguely positive and I would leave in order not to spoil the moment, but there’s nowhere to go because we’re are on a bus. So I pretend like I’m asleep and before long, I really am

I wake up, the bus isn’t moving anymore. The domed lights that line the center aisle are all on. I turn and you’re not there. Then again a lot of kids aren’t in their seats anymore. We’re parked at the pick-up point, which is in the parking lot of a Methodist church. The bus is half empty. You might be in your dad’s car by now, your bags and things piled high in the trunk. The girls in the back of the bus are shrieking and laughing and taking their sweet time disembarking as I swing my legs out into the aisle to get up off the bus, just as one of them reaches my row. It used to be our row, on our way off. It’s Michelle, a girl who got suspended from third grade for a week after throwing rocks at my head. Adolescence is doing her a ton of favors body-wise. She stops and looks down at me. And her head is blasted from behind by the dome light, so I can’t really see her face, but I can see her smile. And she says one word: “destiny.” Then her and the girls clogging the aisles behind her all laugh and then she turns and leads them off the bus. I didn’t know you were friends with them

I find my dad in the parking lot. He drives me back to our house and camp is over. So is summer, even though there’s two weeks until school starts. This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But that’s not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still haven’t


Read the spoiler for context.

What are some things that you feel hold you back, but at the same time, you latch onto?

For example, I've suffered from depression for a number years, and I know it affects people differently, so what I'm about to say is my own feelings and don't represent anyone elses. There have been times where it's hit me really hard and it's very difficult to go on another day, cliche stuff about depression that we all know anyway, etc. But sometimes I think I almost let it get the better of me you know? Like instead of actively choosing to struggle through it every day, sometimes I just let it break me. Sometimes it's ok cause you need the break, but I've also let it overpower me during important times where I really needed to get stuff done, and then didn't.

So yeah, what about you? What bus have you gotten on, and chosen to stay on?

NOTE: this isn't necessarily a sad thread. This is a thread that's supposed to help you identify something in your life that is holding you back, that maybe you can control some part of, so that you will have even a small part of your life under your control.
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
Last edited by Baby Joel at Aug 30, 2014,
#2
No no I take the bicycles.
Quote by snipelfritz
You lost me at "Lubricate."

I'm raw, like nature. Nature boy. Big jungle leaves are my cum rags.

Sometimes I fuck a bamboo shoot.


There's nothing left here to be saved
Just barreling dogs and barking trains
Another year lost to the blue line
#3
smart lad. Bicycles are the fastest mode of transit in London. It's also one of the most dangerous, but yeah. At least you'll get to places fast.
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#5
I ditched uni about 1,5 year ago. My motivation to go there was to get an education which would lead me to a job, maybe. It was shattered once I got to know the other students, all they could ever talk about was sex, parties and alcohol. It was like living in a Hollywood high-school movie, except there were no friends, nor companions, not even teachers giving a damn (not that they're supposed to).

Once I realised I needed to stop, I did, and I have been in limbo ever since. Social services practically ignoring me, just giving me disability funds and doing nothing else. A year ago, I went to them asking if they could help me get a job, and they forwarded me to this project of theirs which is supposed to help people like me, but it's the same story.

When I look at my friends (of which I have 3), they lead completely different lives, they have much more positive experiences, they have future prospects, whereas I have welfare checks, a lack of discipline, and lack the balls to do anything about it. The only other thing I have is that I know exactly what situation I'm in.

I'm on the bus, and I want to get off.
#6
I'm on a bus that's not easily defined ('emotionally unstable' could work but that makes it sound worse than it is). I am better than I was but I still haven't gotten past my back-and-forth behavior, my feelings of self-hatred that suddenly turn into feelings of extreme optimistic egotism, my periodic explosions of paranoia, etc.

serious post lol
#7
Nobody gives a shit, so I've stopped giving a shit. I do what I want.
Some see the glass half full, others see the glass half empty. Me? I see that the glass is refillable.
#8
I'm almost done the trip on my depression bus and I'm starting to get on an optimistic one. I'm happy now. I haven't self harmed in months and I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm still pretty cynical about a lot of things but at least I don't hate myself anymore
#9
That was painful for me to read. I had many similar experiences as a kid that effect me to this day. I'm 24 and haven't seriously tried to talk to a girl in a way that showed any romantic interest whatsoever since I was like 8. I can't make myself do it.
#10
All sad UGers - get a diary
Quote by ErikLensherr
Did you hear about the cockney Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
#11
the oft-recommended quest to be less crazy is typically more tiring than telling others to fuck off and let me be too moody for everyday every day life. self-improvement is a reasonable goal (maybe the only reasonable goal) but when you suck this much you've got to pick your battles. i find my indecision to be worse than any decision so i commit dogmatically to changing one small piece of myself until i'm stuck sitting on the floor of my bathroom thinking "why would i bother? there must be something better to sweat over."

and there always is something better, but the process is as much deterministic as it is chaotic: i will end up sitting on my bathroom floor at awe of my own actions, in hindsight ill-advised. the periodicity is akin to futility and in my frustration i often think that but there is a certain comfort in knowing myself and my weaknesses as well as i know my strengths and as often as i exaggerate them, to be humbled by the bathmat and see the future again as a tree i'd like to climb and never jump off -- if only for a while.

i hope this post is what you're looking to read joel

Quote by steve_muse
All sad UGers - get a diary


this is good advice. in the future, please do not place good advice in such a snarky context. thanks mr. muse
i don't know why i feel so dry
#12
Quote by steve_muse
All sad UGers - get a diary

To be perfectly honest sort of this. I know its nice to put your thoughts out there where other people are listening. I've been down that road, but I learned it just leads to fostering those negative feelings and helping them grow.

As much as you want to believe your online persona is a reflection of your real self, it also does affect yourself internally, so the more positive you portray yourself, you a goal to be proactive and practical to take the long, slow road towards happiness.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#13
Quote by The4thHorsemen
That was painful for me to read. I had many similar experiences as a kid that effect me to this day. I'm 24 and haven't seriously tried to talk to a girl in a way that showed any romantic interest whatsoever since I was like 8. I can't make myself do it.

Sometimes being on the bus isn't necessarily a choice, but working to get off it is (not necessarily getting off, but working to get off). I know it sucks when people say "just do it" or whatever, and that's not what I'm saying. I guess what I'm saying is just because you're on the bus doesn't mean you can't get off you know? Your bus stop will always come
Quote by steve_muse
All sad UGers - get a diary

I have one. It's UG
Quote by ESPLTDV401DX
I'm almost done the trip on my depression bus and I'm starting to get on an optimistic one. I'm happy now. I haven't self harmed in months and I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm still pretty cynical about a lot of things but at least I don't hate myself anymore

Really happy to hear this mate, honestly
Quote by snipelfritz
To be perfectly honest sort of this. I know its nice to put your thoughts out there where other people are listening. I've been down that road, but I learned it just leads to fostering those negative feelings and helping them grow.

As much as you want to believe your online persona is a reflection of your real self, it also does affect yourself internally, so the more positive you portray yourself, you a goal to be proactive and practical to take the long, slow road towards happiness.

Nah mate I totally get what you're saying.

I guess what I should've said in the OP, is that this isn't really that bad. This is kind of good for me. For the longest time I haven't even acknowledged that there is a bus. I've just kind of been "man life sucks I suck there's no hope" without even taking the moment to pause and just kind of look at things. Yeah it wasn't my choice to get on the bus, but as I said above (in this post), I can choose to work to get off. Maybe I won't be able to get off by myself. Maybe I'll need medication, or extensive therapy, and maybe I'll find more stuff that's wrong with me along the way. But now I realise that I can actually do something about it, you know? Now I know I'm on a bus, so now I know that either the bus will run out of fuel, or I'll open the emergency exit, or something will happen and I'll be able to get off. It's a realisation I hadn't thought of before.

And that's really what this thread is (hopefully). Hopefully, other people will read this, think of things that they do that hold themselves back, or they think of things that they can at least try to change in their lives, even if it makes a fraction of a difference. At least it'll be something. At least there'll be that part of your life that you feel like you have control over you know?

's to everyone here, thanks for the posts, sorry I didn't reply to all, you are all great and I love you all

it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#14
literally speaking i am not on a bus
Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
#15
I was on a bus a few days ago, saw one of my friends on the pavement and waved.
Quote by ErikLensherr
Did you hear about the cockney Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
#16
my enemies would find my diary and use it against me when I need to be strong.
O.K.

“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
~ Bill Watterson


O__o
#19
My life is like a bus in that I'm constantly trying to get off. Usually (read: always) I'll get off on my own.

Yes, that is a joke about masturbation, but it's also strangely correct in a serious context. I never really know what bus I'm on and I find myself getting out without ever knowing why. Sometimes that's cool, but I don't know where I'm headed, so it's difficul to plan ahead, which I know would be much more comforting.
#20
To use a bus as a metaphor for my depression implies that there is a world outside of the bus. Sometimes my experiences are just too painful to talk about.
Quote by Axelfox
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Quote by H4T3BR33D3R
I also have to do that. Cottaging this weekend
Last edited by T00DEEPBLUE at Aug 31, 2014,
#21
if life is a bus i guess that would make me claudette colvin or something




#22
My 14 year old sister would have really liked that OP.


Quote by theguitarist
my enemies would find my diary and use it against me when I need to be strong.



My fiance made me watch that with her last week and it was pretty good.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#23
I'm currently in limbo working full time another 3 more months hating my life so I can finally then move to the other side of the world in November and start the next stage of my life. Perth, Western Australia - Don't live here 21 years guys, it sucks heaps of ass hair. So right now I kind of hate everything, but it will be worth it soon enough.
Last edited by vayne92 at Aug 31, 2014,
#24
we smiled and said i'll see you this summer
but we knew it was over

thats just what you say to someone who's dying
banned
#27
i want to burn the bus in a fucking fire with me in it
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#28
megan, i just want you to know: i waited as long as i could
i don't know why i feel so dry
#29
Quote by Baby Joel
i want to burn the bus in a fucking fire with me in it

let me on

as for things I couldn't let go:
why, why couldn't I have been there to stop you as you stabbed that motherfucking needle into your arm and O.D.'d? I could have saved you instead of you winding up dying in a coma in hospital. you stupid bitch, I loved you like a sister but you didn't listen and wouldn't let anyone around while you destroyed yourself.
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#30
I took the bus home today and met my friend I hadn't seen in YEARS and then while waiting for the next bus his dad saw us and gave us a ride home! I love the bus!
#31
Ive always took change hard and clinged/fantasized about past, both good and not good. Eventually you realize that holding on harder doesnt make it not go away, and tightly clenching, holding onto that part just feels like energy wasted.

Its still a bit hard for me (came back to the pit after quite the long hiatus, lol), but I find letting it linger and come back every now and then is best rather than giving it my full focus.


Heard this song not too long ago, its a pretty beautiful song if you can look past the artist's logo-name, but hopefully it'll help somebody, so posting away!


https://youtu.be/m5XyfvKwojE
.
#33
Quote by slipknot5678
this thread is very relevant to my life right now. :')

i never knew there were busses to babylon




#34
Quote by MinterMan22
i never knew there were busses to babylon


there are but only until 4pm.
#36
i was too busy banging all the girls in school to have experiences like this. i didnt need no sweaty summer camp pu$$sy
#38
i struggled with depression and anxiety for the past few years while i was ****ing up in college and the few years afterward where i sat around doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself.

i kind of hit a bottom with all of it and had a kind of nervous breakdown/manic depressive episode or something to that effect.

i wouldn't even say i just pushed myself or struggled through the bad thoughts to get a little bit better. i just kind of bottomed out and decided it didn't matter anymore and started moving on. i was miserable anyway, so how much more miserable could i be if i moved out of my mom's house and started getting my shit together?

i still have dark thoughts, but i don't even think it's depression. just part of who i am. it's like i've got a constant Worst Case Scenario game playing out in my head. i regularly express to others or think to myself that i'd rather not be alive sometimes or that i hope to check out before i make it to 40. i still think about suicide. not about actually doing it anymore, but more about the how and the consequences. i decided a few years back that i just would not risk killing myself if it wasn't a sure thing and. and i thought about how it would affect everyone around me. i couldn't bring myself to leave my family to clean up after my mess. (literally and metaphorically)

the only thing that continues to hold me back now is rejection. i just don't want to deal with it. why risk it when you can just keep your head down? isn't there a Homer Simpson quote that applies here? something like "You can never fail if you never try" it's something i need to work on. trying to work up the courage/confidence to talk to some of the qt's at work, but my current life situation is not exactly something that gives me much confidence.
mugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmug
Last edited by jakesmellspoo at Apr 15, 2015,
#39
The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round
The wheels of the bus go round and round, right of the bridge

The door on the bus stays shut shut shut, shut shut shut, shut shut-
Ah, you get the gist

****, I've made myself depressed now.