#1
    dig the
hole for you
to leap
inside: start
six foot
 deep-


   -no no you 
didn't know..

..what a 
thrill to
finally land on
      your feet.


climb out


push yourself dig
deeper: to seven, to
          ten, to fifteen,
                  to thirty
                           to(...)


...the body breaks, reheals
,like martial 
arts; you 
must be 
   stronger than before.
                       .
                       .
     
     
     .and you
      could have 
  been something 
extraordinary
      by now


,something besides 
                  wasted 
        potential, but
     you're content with
loop excavation


you only know 
now- proud
of the fact you've
      survived yourself
  infinitely many
             stories


one
   night
one 
   story 
   too 
        many


,fathomless


less romantic than my usual
Last edited by Dregen at Sep 16, 2014,
#2
Very much digging this. Rhytmical like free-flow slam-poetry, plenty of lyrical depth (no pun intended), and a powerful message.
Which style of music should I be thinking?
#3
Quote by Philip Xander
Very much digging this. Rhytmical like free-flow slam-poetry, plenty of lyrical depth (no pun intended), and a powerful message.
Which style of music should I be thinking?


thanks

there's an annual poetry slam where i attend school and i actually plan on performing this when it comes around. it's going to be weird because this isn't the sort of mood/topic/style that other people do, and if i botch the reading it's just going to make the audience feel awkward

style of music? not sure. something dark, really fast or really slow.
Last edited by Dregen at Sep 14, 2014,
#4
parts of this are a bit too angsty and obvious for my taste, and while i like the coherence of the images/metaphor, it gets a bit dull by the end of the piece.

to my first point, you tend to say things rather than show them, ie "you could have been something extraordinary...something besides wasted potential". you could probably communicate this to the reader through images or devices beyond merely stating them. also, the repetition of "something" seems a bit of a cop-out: everything is a something, so the character is no different. you could use a more interesting word perhaps.

as well, certain phrases of repeated words are weak: "push push push yourself dig", "no no you
didn't know". if these are lyrics, maybe they can work, but as poetry, i find them weak; there's no added depth to the piece in these phrases.

to my second point, i think addressing the things above would remedy it. it will take care of itself if.

still, this is by no means a bad piece. i like reading it and it has potential. just needs tightening. thanks for posting.
#5
Quote by hippieboy444
parts of this are a bit too angsty and obvious for my taste, and while i like the coherence of the images/metaphor, it gets a bit dull by the end of the piece.

to my first point, you tend to say things rather than show them, ie "you could have been something extraordinary...something besides wasted potential". you could probably communicate this to the reader through images or devices beyond merely stating them. also, the repetition of "something" seems a bit of a cop-out: everything is a something, so the character is no different. you could use a more interesting word perhaps.


that's the point though. also if you think about it, in a certain context, second-person can be read as first person- as if you were talking to yourself.

and the vagueness was intentional. i could attribute it to some particular person or event, but i didn't want to do that because the metaphorical basis of this can be related to a lot of different things. is it impractical? impersonal? mass-manufactured for the readers? maybe. does it still make its point? i believe so.

as well, certain phrases of repeated words are weak: "push push push yourself dig", "no no you
didn't know". if these are lyrics, maybe they can work, but as poetry, i find them weak; there's no added depth to the piece in these phrases.


i'd like to mention first off, that sort of thing does happen to me frequently. half of the time when i repeat something it'll be for emphasis; the other half of the time is for flow. this was the latter (which is when it usually happens, the odd punctuation and formatting should be enough).

i can agree with the first mentioned repetitions. they aren't really necessary. i think spoken-word, it would work better but yeah

however the second i like, particularly for establishing the voice and the quality where it almost seems to be talking down to the reader/the event or character that is being talked about (ironically or not). the voice of the poem is chastising. almost venomous, hateful.


to my second point, i think addressing the things above would remedy it. it will take care of itself if.

still, this is by no means a bad piece. i like reading it and it has potential. just needs tightening. thanks for posting.


despite my pseudo-intellectual wankery (intent vs. interpretation ftw/l), i'll certainly consider your criticism. it is a little too simple-minded and heavy-handed (the ending, for me in particular). that's mostly how i write, for better or worse
Last edited by Dregen at Sep 16, 2014,