#1
a persistent paleness from the light fixtures hanging
in the hallways, in the basement, in all of our faces -
you may never even see it, but you'll know it when you taste the
brown spots on the bananas you eat at the breakfast table.
a softness small enough to squeeze between two fingers -
i rub my eyelids together and feel it when the tears swell,
when i think of him wilting in his wheelchair,
each one of his muscles failing til they disappear into thin air.
it's a softness small enough to conceal under the clothes i wear
like a bruise beneath a scarf, a broken nail beneath a glove.
still it's big enough to be the barrier between us,
the reason i may never let you inside for you to touch me
where i'm weakest.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
this is really lovely. you do such a great service in hiding what you're saying until the very end, but all the while giving inklings of it away. it really has a brilliant arc to this. the banana image is the only weak spot of the piece - i think you could substitute a different object to create a strong relation.

still, i really like this. on a personal note, this brightened my day a bit, and helped me think of some things. so thank you.
#3
The texture of this is fantastic, you play on the bruising so well. The inevitability of ageing and decay is so prominent in this for me, and I must say it has really touched me.

I'd like to see you tighten up the final sentence as I'm not sure it is at its full potential: to my mind "us," would be better with a colon or a dash for the sake of association and I'd like that final line break to be somewhere bolder, though it is effective as it is.


And I love the banana image.
#4
I do not get the first four lines. It seems like they were written last, an afterthought to thicken the intro to what is quite a powerful short piece. I could have tossed it to a try at tickling all five senses, but you skipped scent. Plus those four lines were not as competently written as the rest of the piece.
You should also never use abbreviation but for pace reasons, and I see some words that were needlessly apostrophied (Yes, I invented the word).
I love it when you sink into alliteration and wish you would extenuate it more and work on it.

"like a bruise beneath a scarf, a broken nail beneath a glove."

One of the best lines of this piece and one of your greatest ever, but it still relies on the work of others, such as the use of "thin air". Break the mould; use it but change it.

It is a great piece and I love to come here and see you write, but you are the one person I have always wanted to see more of and I will strive to make it so, with highest regards.

This is not a pipe
#5
I really liked this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I think this is one of your strongest pieces yet.

While you have a knack for rhythm, sometimes your other pieces rely to much on it for content. There is a clarity in the language of this piece and in the sensorial images that make it flow seamlessly.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
It is a very strong piece. The banana image is used originally, to describe a sense of softness, and works even being so central to the piece. The paleness described in the first two lines gets connected as well, though I think it takes a secondary position.

I'd suggest omitting "thin" in the eighth line for rhythmic reasons. Very tight otherwise. Take care.
Recommended threads
Weak (ii)
SubwayToVenus
4
523
Last post:
by SubwayToVenus
an apology
SubwayToVenus
3
678
Last post:
by vintage x metal