ngly & n

to the boy who pushed me

:a can|a feasant       (thruh stems)
opy.  |facedown              agge
                             nst the tarmacc

                              .tunging nettels
i really enjoy the last line, and i like the playfulness throughout (in terms of intentional misspellings, etc - i wouldn't say this is exactly a playful piece), but this could be a bit more balanced perhaps. i don't mean to say that you need to pull in the reigns, but the only line that is complete (in the traditional sense of the word) and unhampered is "to the boy who pushed me". really, that could be enough, but my second point is that i don't think that's a great line. or maybe i do. it's hard to say: i like it when i consider what comes before it, but i dislike it when i consider what follows. i'm not sure what i could offer in terms of reasons for this, but it seems to operate more effectively with the material beforehand rather than after.

i do love the economy of this, and the word choices, it's very interesting and has depth; but part of me has this feeling that it needs a bit of 'normalcy' to bring it in a little. again, the middle line helps, but it somehow feels disjointed from what proceeds from it.

i dont know. maybe i'll read it tomorrow and it'll all be clear and perfect here. just some things to think about. thanks for posting this.
Thanks for giving this a look. I don't know about that line, thank you for pointing it out, it provides a context which is critical to me in the construction of the piece, but is it a good line? or even a bold one? or is it just different to the rest of the piece. I'm not sure how else I would ground this, maybe that's what makes it disjointed, is it rushed?

I will think on this.