#1
this would be a song like the ones
you wanted me to sing
(when you wanted me)
pretty words and gentle timbres to make
those bugs in your stomach sing girl
sweet and mild with
pristine gift wrapped intensity
like all those gilded kings

But that just wouldn't be the truth
I disagree with you
I will never sing my tunes
the way you want me to

I don't want to talk about it
But it seems ill scream and shout it
I don't want to remember your face
You had best forget about it
you never loved my scream and shouting
but you loved the way I play
You said I was beautiful
You said I was beautiful too

you
I'd strive to write something
without that word someday
but without
all of you
the words too often slip away

not sure whether i want "I'd". "I'll", or "I" in the last verse, any help?
Last edited by Faux at Sep 28, 2014,
#4
i really enjoy the last stanza, and i appreciate the sentiment, but i felt this was pretty disjointed. the images in the first stanza seemed forced and not related - the gift wrapping, gilded kinds, butterflies in the stomach; focusing the moment and the images there could make it tighter.

i felt the next two stanzas, by contrast, were too dry: they lacked images and metaphors to reel me in. they were so direct, and it felt jarring to go from these heavy imaged sections to such dry parts. as well, i am not sure about some of the word choices: "my tunes" and screaming and shouting are the big ones. they're fine, they work, it gets you there, but they aren't interesting. especially the repetition of scream/shout in the third stanza, i disliked that.

beyond that, even some of the statements are just so bland. "i disagree with you", "I don't want to talk about it", "I don't want to remember your face". i'm not saying that what you are getting at is bad, or not worth the time, but the way you're trying to get there feels forced and trite. i think, given the good parts you have written, you could definitely find more interesting avenues to get these points across, whether thru images, metaphors-whatever.

and maybe i'm being harsh. as lyrics, these could work, and i'd probably dig it (these are lyrics, eh?). but still, in terms of the hard fact of me reading this piece, these are my gripes. please don't take my criticism as a dismissal of your feelings or your intentions here: it's a way i've been feeling of late, and it sucks pretty bad. my critique is strictly about the work herein, and of how you are expressing these feelings.

still, i enjoyed this. thanks for posting.
#5
thanks hippieboy! i very much appreciate the criticism. it must be honest or it is useless right? Yes, they are lyrics and it is to music. the contrast is intentional, the music to the beginning half is jazzy, very pretty chords and voicings. When it switches to the dry part it gets aggressive and folk punky, simple barre chords, chromatics, screaming and such.

For context, the idea for the subject was someone i used to know who loved my guitar playing but wasn't a fan of my vocals with my band, as we play loud fast punk/alt type stuff. She wanted me to play softer gently intense songs like the highly produced indie pop she listens to. Hence the first part is lyrically and musically akin to the stuff she prefers then I go to my "home" style as it were. The last verse is a return to the music and tone of the first but lyrically a blending of the styles.
Last edited by Faux at Oct 3, 2014,