#1

after all, i
couldn’t blame you;

what each day left,
behind; or beneath,
the dreary architecture of 
a need: few words trailing
off as vapor trails do,
w/ false sense of promise
			     (of freedom)
and so you recede
among soft palisades,
and i, reduce to.
	  
	a lake - 
how it meanders; and
trace scratchy edges
outline a royal blue oval,
a crystal in the palm
of a trembling hand- 

but it bores me
(just like Achilles); and
elsewhere an entire summer 
passes without beer, 
or sunsets, weeping,
colors no one could name - 

or couldn’t noticed.


Last edited by hippieboy444 at Oct 21, 2014,
#2
for that deliberate and pure
remoteness, as in the self-
fulfilled prophecy; or work


I think these lines rely on too many abstractions to answer the first two lines in a meaningful way. After that the poem takes on more emotional pull without being too forward about it.

elsewhere an entire summer
passes without beer,
or sunsets, weeping,


These lines were especially good to that effect. I'd maybe look at the ending again though, the last line doesn't progress far from the penultimate line, yet it's set off in its own stanza to heighten its effect. I get a sense of wasted time (not the poem wasting time, but rather being about wasted time in some way). So if that's something you're trying to achieve, maybe you've already got it.
#3
I dig this. There's something about the following lines that throws me off, though:

"how it meanders, and
trace scratchy edges
outlines a trembling blue oval"

I think it just seems awkward that "trace" is singular when everything else is plural. I know that might seem nitpicky, but I had to read those lines three times to even make it through that, so it disrupted the flow greatly for me. I also feel like there ought to be some sort of punctuation after "edges," but that could be just me.

Seriously, though, I really enjoyed this. Nice work.
#5
i think it's better when you/the narrator are more 'present', i.e., 'beer', 'sunsets', as opposed to wordiness. 'cumulonimbus' for example, that word is out of place, too scientific.
kill all humans