#1
And, a moment out of time
I, escaped...

Yet there's corruption
the taste of..

t h e re's.....? a s en se ..
o f le ft...



..stillness, whispers
a dormant reality.

A something displaced in the shades of vapor
a vale resembling deeper..


it 's st uc k, li ke li q uid glu e.


Once I sleep or
stop
it's
there
a
sense
of
taint.


When I relax or once
I, escaped


...
Last edited by Eccer at Mar 24, 2015,
#2
i like the presentation of this, how mysterious and thoroughly obfuscated things are, but i wish there was just a little bit more of a reveal of what exactly is plaguing the narrator. it could be very effective and add a nice contrast to the current landscape.

other than that, there were a few quirky lines: the starting of the piece with, "And a moment out of time"; "A something wrong". these both felt grammatically awkward.

still, nice piece. thanks for posting.