#1
Forty hours for forty years,
move to Florida and die by the ocean.
I'm turning into my father
and I'm terrified.
They said I could be anything,
They said I was unique,
so I went out and became just like everyone.
That'll show them.

It's a long life but it's worth it.
That's what they'll tell you,
don't believe them,
don't buy in.
It's a pyramid scheme,
it's buying a timeshare,
it's a booth at the fair
where they show you the best ladder ever made.
But life is a damn fine salesman,
he'll convince you to go the distance
so God can smile while you dry heave,
in a house full of people,
that never knew your name.
#2
I know it's not much of an insight but the way you move between broad sweeping cavalier resigned attitude-filled statements/images to the personal and the intimate has always impressed me. eg. the ending here.

This may be rash but I kind of want to see it go straight from die by the ocean (great line btw) to its a long life because it feels like it stagnates on the father / they told me lines and they dont feel unique or memorable enough that I miss them much. But that's just a thought, you can decide for yourself. Feels a good bit more punchy/imposing that way to me even if it sacrifices a line or two you might like.
Last edited by jiminizzle at Nov 4, 2014,
#3
yeah the second stanza really picks this up. i agree with jimi, some of the lines weren't memorable and maybe the path could be more direct between the first lines and where you end.

the last 4 lines of the first stanza are, for me, the weakest part of the whole piece. the voice is too direct and seems trite. however, like i said, the ending/second stanza is really wonderful. the fair/ladder image is so cool.

thanks for posting.
#4
There's something hard to pinpoint about your style but it's always intrigued me. I think you're able to prove you're being honest to the reader (or at least you are to me), and that is a truly important thing to convey. The voice in this is very clear and strong and effectively mirror's his resignation and resolute dissatisfaction (although, I would discard the "That'll show them" line because that did come off as a bit forced).

The correlation of the "move to Florida and die by the ocean" line with the "timeshare" line also really stood out to me and a part of me wishes you would try honing in on some specific images and explore a single space. But I think doing so would be contrary to your style and aesthetic. This works well as it is.