#1
Please give me honest criticisms. This will be for a meeting at work to practice public speaking and will be used as a performance piece. Let me know what you think! (C4C)

Edit Version:

If I were to paint a picture of my visions,
It would not consist of four walls and a roof.

It would consist of angles undefined~
I would paint the final frontier
and the interconnections
between the stars and you and I.

I would paint lines
-Mismatching Lines-
that would connect my arteries
to the horizon and allow the water
to flow through my mind
-replenishing-
-nurturing-
-healing-.

I would paint a rose
with myself curled up inside its silk-red blankets for warmth…
but I would trace the thorns; which drew my blood
as I failed and failed and failed again,
until my red trail seeped into the petals at the top.

I would paint grandeur-
Eden-
stacked high with books
rather than apples.
I would paint all roads from Eden-
all ending in fields of roses-
embracing me with their warmth and violence.

I would paint infinity.
I would paint what it means to exist.
I would paint divine vision.
I would paint this.


Original Version:

If I were to paint a picture of my visions,
It would not consist of the room I stand in.
It would not consist of four walls and a roof.
It would not consist of tables, chairs, and pens.

It would consist of angles undefined~
I would see the final frontier
and the interconnections
between the stars and you and I.
I would draw a picture of lines

-Mismatching Lines-
that would connect my arteries
to the horizon and allow the water
to flow through my mind
-replenishing-
-nurturing-
-healing-.

I would paint a rose
with myself curled up inside its silk-red blankets for warmth…
but I would trace the thorns; which drew my blood
as I battled my way to the top.

I would paint life itself
and the painting would lack one seemingly important thing:
Perfection.

I would paint
Imperfection.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Nov 10, 2014,
#2
I think it needs more flow to be about painting. Paintings are undefined. You sound pretty define wheres towards the end your going for not so define. My advice is probably not very good. I don't give really give it out much. All in all I really do like your piece.

edit: it's mainly the tables, chairs, and pens line that puts too much definition and sharpness. Maybe its just the pens itself sounds sharp. That does fit with the thorns though. Hmmpff..
Last edited by deviousducky at Nov 8, 2014,
#3
Quote by 21wickwing

If I were to paint a picture of my visions,
It would not consist of the room I stand in.
It would not consist of four walls and a roof.
It would not consist of tables, chairs, and pens.

these 3 lines lack contrast: they're too similar. it might be more effective to have a bit more varied images

It would consist of angles undefined~
I would see the final frontier
and the interconnections
between the stars and you and I.
I would draw a picture of lines
strong.

-Mismatching Lines-
that would connect my arteries
to the horizon and allow the water
to flow through my mind
-replenishing-
-nurturing-
-healing-.
good. mismatching lines seems a bit incongruent to the rest of the piece, but then again, merely saying "i would draw lines" doesn't do enough work. not sure about mismatching still...

I would paint a rose
with myself curled up inside its silk-red blankets for warmth…
but I would trace the thorns; which drew my blood
as I battled my way to the top.
the first 3 lines here are so nice. this is probably the sweet spot of the whole thing. "as i battled my way to the top" feels weak after such strong imagery.

I would paint life itself
and the painting would lack one seemingly important thing:
Perfection.

I would paint
Imperfection.
ending on this note doesnt convince me. i feel like it's the expected, sort of east ending. if you could contine the rose/body image and relate it to imperfection, this could be stronger. also, i feel, as a rule, mentioning "life itself" in poems seems like a cop-out. not that it can't be done, but poems seem to always be about life itself, so you don't need to tell me that; it's already implied.


still, a solid work with some high points. i know i'm always kind of hard on you, but the good parts of your pieces are really good. cleaning this up could make something pretty special.

thanks for posting.
#4
Thanks a ton for your review... the harsher the better. When I post on here these days, it means I feel like it is lacking.