#1
Hey guys, as I mentioned before, I had some more ideas that I wanted to have critiqued. Eclipsed and Flow are two old songs that I made.

Eclipsed
Eclipsed has roots dating all the way back to mid 2011. I actually have a couple of GP5 recordings of Eclipsed (previously named Mantis), but the last complete version that was saved was done in 2012 (I had made substantial changes to the song earlier this year before my laptop was stolen).

This song was actually inspired by a sax player at a jazz show that I had seen live. Actually, I think that it was after that show that I really started to toy around with chromaticism in my works. In fact, probably two days after the show, I came up with the weird chromatic lines in the choruses.

Please bear with me on this one because this one is an extremely rough WIP. With that in mind, I'll show you my latest saved version of the completed song so that you can compare the 2012 version to get a rough idea of where I'm going with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7i2b_5MO6U&list=UUsEI04bIOmPcWiJBE7nC6SQ

Flow

This one came after Eclipsed, and it was also lost. Luckily, it's meant as an interlude so it's rather short. I reconstructed it but it's still somewhat close to the original. The harmonization at the end is a bit more tidy than the original.

I made this one just as an experiment, I guess. It wasn't as serious an attempt at music as everything else was for me. The funny thing is that a few years ago, I showed this one to some of my friends who don't play music. This was literally the only one that they liked, but they complained because it was too short.

Eidolon

My newest piece. It's unfinished, but I'm really loving how it's shaping up and thought that I'd share it to see what you guys think.
Attachments:
Eidolon (Dec 4, 2014).zip
Eclipsed.zip
Flow.zip
Last edited by D2BII at Dec 4, 2014,
#2
@D2BII: Well this is just sad, nobody has posted here (and it's not like you posted this five minutes ago). I can't understand why though, Eidolon is fantastic.

Bars 1 - 25: This reminds me of those "Game Over" tracks in the many JRPGs I've played. Although you quickly squash those game over feels when 10 hits and the tempo accelerates to the coming riff. I think that synth voice should fade in and out. I'm not a fan of the abrupt dynamics it produces. If I were to describe the it with ASCII characters you have something like this,

<<<< (too much crescendo, not enough diminuendo)

Whereas I think this would be more suitable,

<><> (even balance between the two)

Bars 26 - 41: Are those acoustics supposed to be distorted now? They aren't changing when I open them in GP 5.2, I'll assume they are and change them. Anyway, like the ringing chords, not cheesy and bring a nice amount of tension from the intro. I think I would change that synth bass to the FX (Rain) too. The Synth Bass produces everything in a staccato nature, the FX (Rain) is a bit smoother sounding and would be more complimentary to the guitars IMO. I liked the staccatos in the transition, bar 41. That was really tasteful.

Bars 42 - 56: I was really hoping for some modulation here. I didn't get it. I attached a rough idea of what I was expecting. You can extrapolate if you wish.

Bars 57 - 64: The old diminished chord, my good friend. I think you'll find that if you use the idea I attached that you can easily connect Phrygian Dominant and Diminished together. Would serve to make the transition even tastier IMO.

Bars 65 - 72: Now this is a masterful riff. You get a nice implied transition by maintaining some rhythmic familiarity from the previous sections but the second half of the riff really drives it home. I would consider changing that Synth Voice to a Flute or Ocarina.

Bars 73 - 96: Bass maintains the same rhythm from previous section, nicely done. The ringing melodies are a nice break from all the diminished and chromatic patterns. I'm guessing where the percussion stops the completeness stops.

Bars 97 - 112: Good luck playing that riff.

But to be a little more constructive, I think if you used the Phrygian Dominant idea I had for one of your previous sections, you could get those clean guitars to then imply that chord progression from 113 onwards. Then add a super crazy guitar solo (percussion solo will work too). Finally finish it with that same depressing intro with the piano before, and then it shall truly be "Game Over".

So there is very little to critique, let me know when it's done.
Attachments:
EidolonHHedit.gp5
#3
HaydenHohns... when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Your attachment was just about perfect and I wouldn't have even thought to do that. You're the man. Your advice is extremely helpful and much appreciated. I will definitely take your words into consideration when I edit it more. It'll be sometime around the holidays, as I actually should be studying for my classes as I type this out....
#4
@D2BII: Haha! No worries man, glad you liked it. I won't respond until your studies are over so I don't get in the way. I just finished mine for the semester a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm stuck on an awfully long break, hoping I get some work. Otherwise I'm studying for next semester or writing music (or other things I've wanted to catch up on). Good luck with it all.
#5
I worked on quite a bit of Eidolon. I worked on the fading in and out, as it did provide a very nice sound that fit the mood of that particular part of the piece. I changed up the instrumentation a bit. I left the synth voice, as I liked the idea of it being a woman's vocals (no particular lyrics, just extra instrumentation). I did substantial work on the drums.

Admittedly, I ripped HaydenHohns's edit at Ei-3b because that was brilliant. I changed up the drums a bit for that section so that it still had the frenetic flair that the previous section did. I'm not too sure about the ending of Ei-3b though. I think that the transition to Ei-4 could probably be made stronger.

Ei-10 was very difficult. Ei-10a was already pretty much complete, but the real challenge was to remind the listener of transition that was presented in Ei-3b by HaydenHohns. I decided that it would be best to make two extra sections that carried on with the Ei-10 theme. I chose to present the theme in Lydian and Phrygian dominant flavors in parts b and c, respectively.

Ei-11a was actually the last section that I completed in the process. I had an idea for a solo--that actually went as far back as the actual inception of the song, but I ultimately decided against it. I didn't think that it fit well in the context, and it didn't neatly link to Ei-11b (probably one of my personal favorite parts in the song). For this particular section, I wanted to strip the sound down from the chaos presented in Ei-10.

Ei-11b has a lot of things going on. I wanted to toy around with chordal shifts. I wanted to play around with complex juxtaposed percussion patterns. This section is a stark contrast to the rest of the song, but I feel that it's a story within the story. I tried my best to make sure that it led back to the end.

Ei-12--Game Over. I added the contrabass to the instrumentation so that the background it would have a slightly more abrasive, "metallic" edge to the sound. I wanted this section to be more intense and hard-hitting than when it was first introduced. Finished the song off with a simple E major chord and arpeggiated it. Changed the contrabass to pizzicato strings.
Attachments:
Eidolon (Dec. 23, 2014).zip
#6
Dude, those modifications sound killer! I have one recommendation though, I think bar 144 should be a little more dense, add in some horribly discordant crescendos from the guitars or some additional percussion or synths or something. Anything really, just make the timbre go from really dense at 144 to really minimal like you already have with 145. For example, you could harmonise 144 with a guitar that is one semitone above or below, or a tritone.
#7
Hey dude thanks for reviewing my piece. I'll get to eidolon, sorry for the delay!

Ei-1 - I like the idea, Perhaps simply measure 8 I'm unsure about.
Ei-2 - Again I like the idea but I'm not sure I like the harmonisation, on measure 12 beat 4 you have a major second between your piano and your guitar chord and the measure afterwards on the third note a major second I believe which sits poorly with my ears. Again the idea behind this is good, just a bit of polishing would make it sound better imo.
Ei-3 I dig this entire section, the drums are a bit weird, but they're really not that bad.

I ****ing love measure 56 I wish I had come up with it .

Ei-4 is really cool too.

I dig the feel with the vocals on Ei-5 it's really got this creepy vibe to it that I like a lot starting at measure 68, some kind of egyptian/middle-eastern feel to that that really sits well to my ear. Makes it feel quite unique.

Ei-6 is cool again but I feel like measure 2 and 3 of the motif/riff you have has an issue on the bass and the synth part where you're doing a pedal chord (0 and 0 track 74 to 76) and i find it clashes with the chords on top, some sort of progression (like at 79 I find 2 on the lowest string and the same 0 on the next string sounds better). Up to you ofc but just a small concern.

Every other riff up to ei-10 is really cool I dig it.

Ei-10 sounds really cool at first glance but muddy - There's a lot of stuff so it would take me a while to see if that's just a question of the midi tones and the lack of a mix that causes that effect or a harmonization issue but either way it sounds really cool, so if you can find a way to make it sound a bit, well, "cleaner" I think that would benefit the part. Really cool idea though I dig it

I'd say the weakest part of this is really Ei1 and 2, the intro really doesn't reflect the quality of what comes afterwards and I didn't expect this to be as impressive as it was by that. I think intros are really important especially these days since people have no attention span and judge quickly, so I would probably focus on that part, because the rest is really solid.

I really love the style you're developping and your musical sensibilities by the way, don't stop composing =D
#8
How the hell do you guys write this stuff?! F'n hell ok I'll try to give advice

Eidolon:
The intro was slow but I have the attention span of a traffic cone. The simplicity increases the effectiveness of Ei-2. I like the harmonic structure here and the warbly synth voice is attractive (btw you've got a repeat sign here that doesn't carry out; just thought I'd mention it.)

I thought Ei-3a was good but then I heard Ei-3b and I take that as a personal attack on my integrity. It's really ****in cool. You introduced a meaty synth bass so you already know I love Ei-4.

Ei-5? Great. BUT the first 2 bars of the vocal line sounded...cheesy? I realize it's an isolated case, but for whatever reason the whole part reminded me of this Regardless, I feel like bar 66 could benefit from a different interval sequence (hint: D E A B C).

I'm not convinced with Ei-6. Bar 74 caught me off guard...a slight bit of harmonic discord that seems unintentional. The whole section seemed pointless and just an extended transition. Compromises have to be made though, and it's nothing bad by any means, but it's not a part that I'd be eager to hear on repeat listens.

I have to admit that by Ei-7 I was getting sick of the synth voice. A real voice (operatic?) might sound better, but it was grating (from timbre, not composition).

Ei-8 and Ei-9 are both great, I never write uptempo so it was cool to hear some heartracing stuff.

Ei-10 was so cute. Maybe it's because you chose such light instruments because it sounds so fluffy. I think the basses might be a bit too loud, though. I would match them to the rhythm guitars. You've got a very active lead going on and there's not a whole lot of space in your mix so it just kind of blends and nearly all of my attention is drawn towards the right speaker lead.

The hi-hats in Ei-11 sound...forced? Cut down the dynamic, maybe? A more intricate (or simple) pattern would work better, because it just doesn't sound good under the piano solo. Speaking of, I love the modulation there.

You cheesed Ei-12 hard but I feel ya, endings r tuff. This is the only thing I would strongly recommend changing, but I assume this is an interim ending anyway.

Overall, this is great and a pretty unique arrangement. That synth bass really adds a lot. I'll probably study this piece and then try to copy it and fail and cry and then go back to making 64th-note-snare trainwrecks.

P.S. - I'll definitely listen to your other pieces eventually. However, I just recently checked out RedDeath's stuff and my ego can only take so much
i see your girl
G A Y
she leavin wit me

F O R
I'm playing wit her booty
in the back seat
M A D D E N
#9
Thank you guys for reviewing Eidolon. There are definitely some things that should be cleaned up, from the drums to some occasional note clashes. I'll be making some incremental changes over the next few weeks--should really be preparing for my upcoming finals. I'll be sure to have some fairly substantial revisions before or during the first week of June. I'll also be sure to properly address each individual suggestion when I post up the latest version.
#10
Well--I blew past that self-imposed due date by more than a month. I feel bad about being so late with the update. I've just been going through a lot--halfway through 2015, and I could honestly say that it has been the worst year I've ever had.

Anyway...

Ei-1--the shared criticism between Spazzen and JazzDeath is that the first part is a bit too slow. I didn't exactly change much about it, unfortunately. In fact, you'll clearly see that I actually made the section longer. It was done purposely to build intensity, and to hopefully give a better account of myself.

Ei-2--aside from the addition the the warm synth, the only thing that changed here are the chords. I tried to clean things up a bit.

Ei-3--I reworked about 50% of the drum section. It shouldn't be wonky as before, although I still feel that my drum vocabulary is a bit lacking.

Ei-5--Spazzen, I tried your suggestion but it just sounded weird to me for some reason. I refuse to believe that the section sounds like that J-Pop.

Ei-6--I'll have to change some things on the distorted guitars to prevent a few instances of note clash. I did cut out the clashing notes on the low end to make it sound a bit cleaner.

Ei-7--Spazzen, I see your point. The synth voice has a bit of a bite to it--harmonic overtones at the top end. Maybe a "recorder" would do. I do wonder how the song would sound with real instruments (including a real voice).

Ei-10--I cut out the rhythm guitars and lowered the volume on the bass a bit. It cleaned up the chaos a bit, but the bass is still quite busy. I may have to cut down a bit on the chaos on that end.

Ei-11--I cut the high-hats completely, though I stuck with having a second percussion section in the background. The first part of Ei-11 has no percussion. It makes the section a bit more airy. It's probably necessary after the previous section.

Ei-12--lead piano with a bit of harmonization added. The very end is still the same. I'll do something about that after I sleep on it for a bit.

EDIT: Also, if you like part 3b, thank HaydenHohns. He's solely responsible for that modulation.
Attachments:
Eidolon.gp5
Last edited by D2BII at Jul 8, 2015,
#11
Forum's dead, but I thought that I'd put up an update to Eclipsed. I had a lot of fun re-imagining this one. I experimented with a lot of ideas and sounds, which I feel lent itself well to this particular track because it's supposed to be avant-garde anyway. Many of these ideas will be apparent as soon as you hear the track.

One idea that I decided to do (on a whim) was to make it a "Live" show. And after that, I came up with a storyline for the performance. So, basically, the fans have come to see this band called "Aural Sex," and they've waited a few hours to see the band perform. However, unknown to crowd, Aural Sex decided not to perform that night because they were being stiffed money by the event's promoter. The final act turns out to be a completely different band altogether.

There are a lot of things written in the tracks. If you don't enjoy the actual song (because, let's face it--this one isn't very accessible at all), hopefully you'll at least have as much fun with the Easter Eggs as I did.

TLDR: I want to be known as one of the most eccentric writers on this forum.
Attachments:
Eclipsed Edit.gp5
#12
your little notes always crack me up XD i havent laughed this hard at a song since the last troll collab

i like the little polarizing lead thing, nice mix of dissonant chromaticism. and the electronic part afterwards, though weird and unexpected, grooved quite nicely.

given how ludicrous this song is, i didnt think id genuinely enjoy it, but i did. its not something id go out of my way to jam to a lot, but surprisingly catchy (maybe thats just because im an elitist prog snob and can actually appreciate unlistenable wankery haha)

to give serious input though, id recommend using the sitar more, it seems like it could have more potential. also you might want to add some kind of rhythm track (guitar, strings, etc.) to fill the space when the guitars or piano arent there or are playing leads

also idk who these other listeners are, but theyre dicks!
#13
I was all ready to give a crit on the Eclipsed in the original post, didn't realize you posted another one hahah. I thought you would've just edited your original.

Alright, let's go. I'm actually legit enjoying the intro in this one. Ec-2a actually has a nice awkward feel to it. The whammy bar parts in 3 are kind of amusing.

58-59 is a beautiful cadence. I feel like the bass in 61 (very start of the bar) is unnecessarily out of key, but I can't tell what was intentional or not in this song haha.

5a is actually pretty sweet, I wasn't sure about it in the previous version but it works really well here. The rhythm really makes it work. omfg 6a is fuckin sweet, I love the bass. those sliiidesss...

pretty good keyboard work throughout. 151 is sick. the storyline is pretty amusing. i remember ec-10 from a collab!! shit's lit. i kinda wish you'd used something with more attack in the keyboard stuff.

overall 9/10 rip rob
#14
I listened to the eidolon in the first post and only later realized there was a new version. While I was listening to the first version, I didnt know if I should make a post but I just had to write something when I listened to the ending. Only then did I realize it and listened to the most up to date version.

The last version fixes most of the issues I had with the first version, it sounds much more refined and less "over the place" than the first version, which is usually my problem with proggy type things. I had to think of some castlevania type game, probably because of midi itself but also due to party like ei-4 which sound very videogame-y to me and the new ending.

I really liked that rhythm thing in bar 90, for me it was the most interesting and memorable part for some reason, it made me want to listen to it again to see wtf actually happened.

I still feel that the ending portion of both versions, roughly the last 20% of the songs, dont really fit to the rest. For me the song doesnt go full circle but instead just goes on in one continous stream. That's fine in general, but it does sometimes lack the closure the listener wants near the end. The later version was of course a bit better, but that piano part in ei11 for example came abit out of nowhere. Especially the first version's ending really sounded like more of an intro to a whole nother song, leaving the previously playing part unfinished.

Overall though, comparing the 2 versions, I was gonna complain about a couple of drum issues in the first one but the drums really improved later on and felt much more alive.
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