#1
Written on a cell phone so probably will be some funky linebreaks until I get back stateside

Fly By, New York

there are some places you will never be again
Some views that will warp like wood and tangle like old trees into the past, different each time you pass back through them,
But there are times you return in person to somewhere you had thought lost, perhaps even by accident you arrive
at the familiar and the rush,
One) of the sight, stunning in its own right and two) of being back here, in the forbidden territory of memory with no one to chase you out, alive, the coast running sharply against the pressure of an entire ocean, and the soft inlets and fingerlings just inland, protectorate rivers recognizable only as gaps in a grid
the color of filament
Light arranged in towers
And living roads
Arachnoid bridges and spotted details too numerous to process in this short time in and of a single view, you pass through the blueprint, the architecture of bulbs and windows knowing only what you choose to know, missing only what you choose to know elsewhere, I search for any sign of where you might be found, where you might choose to be tonight. the array of buildings constructs itself from the inside out,
a rendering of love and longing
In the binary of light
and a subdued expression of altitude
That continues beyond the city and beyond the shoreline
Into the black atlantic
And into an indistinct instance of time and place, endless in every direction
Where gauges and meters give only partial pictures and scratch fragments to tracking stations at airports far away, enough only to know that all here is well, to know even the great skyscrapers of the east coast don't come close to where we've found ourselves tonight, and rarely fathom it at all in all that glaring light,
Venus level with the wing tip
And no ground in sight.
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 1, 2015,
#2
"Arachnoid bridges" sticks out like a sore thumb, so does "rendering". "Indistinct instance" doesn't ring half as sharp as it wants to be. "gauges and meters" really clashes with "partial pictures", I'm not a fan of the read there. I think a lot of that line/stanza/thing needs smoothing over and carving with more care.

"Arachnoid" just doesn't quite work. I think "spider" is just more relatable if you edit the wording a little, "Arachnoid" is stilting jargon. I remember someone once using "chronometer" instead of "watch" on here.

"Venus level", I'm iffy on, because you're so roped up in the city imagery that Venus jars harshly. I get the image but, again, the word doesn't sit right in the pack of it all.

Bein' picky here Jimbo.

Just needs an edit and tidy up, I think. Nice little Fly-By.
#3
my first thought until i got about halfway through what that maybe it would be effective to have no enjambment, presenting everything in more of a prose format.

but as the piece picks up i doubt that's a good idea.

on the whole, it meanders a bit but i like meandering thoughts and trying to trace them in a sort of map. your pieces always intrigue me with how concerned with places and geography you are. it's something i think about it, too.
#4
"Meandering" was actually a word I was thinking of using here earlier today as well. There's a meandering I think you do well. Some of the long lines work like this, some don't. "Where gauges and meters give only partial pictures and scratch fragments to tracking stations at " stands out as one that doesn't. Though the last four or so lines stand out as being at once vague and pleasing. "where we've found ourselves tonight" being the vague part (not in a bad way) and the rest being resonant. I know something of the skyscrapers of the east coast and all they hold.

I don't think the "One) and Two) phrasings in the seventh line work very well, seems jolty, I'd consider rephrasing.

Light & dark is big here. It works in a way of never being mentioned beyond "the binary of light." It's a hard theme to pull off, I think, but it's subtle enough here.