#1
The last romantic
I wish it
the best of all future endeavors;
the holy spirit [is] no longer within me -
I am now my own pendulum,
no going back now:

No going back to the church steps
that erased my troubled foundations;
no going back to the words
that gave birth to me.

I am my own man -
fucking fine bitches, with no remorse;
we break waters, together;
I stay swimming towards this love affair,
in an uncontrolled fashion,
while thirsty girls stay chasing me
.

I adhere to the trap;
no slums on sight;
no old man on my side -
only eighty girls trying to suck
the light out of my eyes,
until we became one with the night.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 15, 2014,
#2
the last three lines are really awesome. they really tie the whole room together (so to speak). the first one introduces things well enough, and the pendulum image is nice; the last line doesn't seem to add anything particularly important to the piece, rhythmically or content-wise.

for me, the third stanza is the weakest. the voice doesn't seem so connected to the preceding stanzas, with the more vulgar word choice. as well, the images seem jarring and unrelated to the grand scheme of the piece. this stanza needs the most work, as i see it.

but i can see what you're trying to do here and i think it's a good idea. and like i said, the last three lines are really great. you have enough resources here to make something great.

thanks for posting.
#3
also, as an aside, part of me always wished i lack the sensitivity to **** fine bitches with no remorse. alas.
#5
maybe roll with it? try injecting even more vulgar images and shit into it. maybe make it an exercise in how disgustingly porno-infused you can make it?
#6
I'd make it a bit less explicit, in particular:

"I am my own man -
****ing fine bitches, with no remorse;
we break waters, together;
I stay swimming towards this love affair,
in an uncontrolled fashion,
while thirsty girls stay chasing me
."

As Hippieboy said, the last three lines are really nice.