#1

she calls to [,m,e,,] 
‘’’’’   // 	,,,,,,
yet,//outside,, the snow
fall//s [,,in sheets’’,,]
     \\
       \\
  she \\ lights the one candle 
i might\\ see by,,,,,
            \\  	,,,which she knows 
          ‘‘//‘’
(of all //
    els//e) the curtains drawn,
i too// call her name
&s,//
    //i,,
   //   n,,
  //      k,,,
  ||      		into the bed.
   \\	
.


Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 15, 2014,
#2
The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a lot of purpose and contrast in that first stanza I can't quite figure out. "Weightless as a feather," is a bit cliche.

Otherwise I can't tell if this feels like it has more to it or if it feels sort of delirious. Probably the second. I'm interested to see you do more with all the commas and apostrophes. Are they purely visual or is there some semantic element to them?
#3
yeah, i agree, the ending is weak. that's a big issue i have in writing: how to wrap things up.

in the first stanza, the quotation marks are mainly visual.

i've been reading a bit of robert creeley. maybe that's why it seems disjunct. he pulls it off way way better....
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Nov 24, 2014,
#4
I wouldn't say the ending is weak, more just an overused analogy. For your particular phrasing think of the image. A feather doesn't really sink into a bed. It more floats and comes to a rest. Maybe refer back to the manner of the snow? Really some unique ways to convey the mood though.

As far as endingings go, it's limitless. The best place for an ending is the end, or sometimes you can begin with the end. Lol. It's your story, it ends where you end it.
#5
edited. added to rather than removed from. think it still leans on delirious. maybe that isn't bad. formatting still is not quite right.