#1
This metaphysical church
is where my heart belongs;
who would have thought
that I would be here.

[Now] a mere man, and nothing more,
prostrating beside the cathedral
while my being remains on top
of another woman.
A cheap preface: I am surprised
that I am still here.

Basic deceny, lost in isolation;
I was never your friend;
I was never your lover;
I was never really here.

Your bed is empty,
the lights are off,
and the involuntary silence
remains my astral.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 22, 2014,
#2
interesting comparison between church and sexuality. your recent pieces have been a nice breath of fresh air in this way.

i think this is solid. the first stanza could introduce things better: it feels a bit plain and obvious. the second stanza is good, and segments well into the third stanza, which is think is the high point. you then wrap things up nicely. the last two lines are probably the strongest part of the piece.

i don't know what's missing: maybe that secret chemical X. i am not even sure how i'd say it...there's ust something lacking that doesn't draw me out as much as it could.

still, i think you've got a nice base here, and with time you'll stagger into something. thanks for posting.