#1
(punishment as a primer- if i smoke this cigarette)
it won't kill me. as in despair. anguish. i speak
as it is such; hyperbole anatopic: where and when 
should it not be placed. 


i should elaborate. dysfunctional leaking. as in
you'll listen- my sorried-up self-deflating
interjections. they are warnings. run. sob stories by their nature
leave them dead and somehow wanting more. 


[a friend watches me grovel. i shouldn't elaborate. blue is 
crushing my bones, blue is weighing me down. pass it along.
that's how it works. i am vomiting and breaking my hand on
my apartment room door. i won't share anymore.]


i am disgusting i am abhorrrent
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 14, 2014,
#2
this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing was well controlled. a few parts felt out of place, like the use of "blue" in the last stanza (maybe a tad obvious); and "sadness" in the first. otherwise the word choice felt apt and this unfolds nicely. thanks for posting,
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing was well controlled. a few parts felt out of place, like the use of "blue" in the last stanza (maybe a tad obvious); and "sadness" in the first. otherwise the word choice felt apt and this unfolds nicely. thanks for posting,


thank you for the criticism

my thoughts echo yours. i replaced 'sadness' with 'despair', although i don't necessarily think that's good either. i want more imagery with this, symbolic sorts of things, but i can't find something that fits well while not interrupting the flow (which is why 'blue' hasn't been replaced yet).

also i feel like this says the same thing over and over again without really adding any more depth. there's a specific word i'm looking for to describe that but i can't think of it right now.

edit: the word was redundant
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 14, 2014,
#4
despair actually reads a lot better.

thinking of blue, maybe adding a part in the last stanza that relates the color blue to the sky and an image of it crashing down might add some contrast and keep blue in the piece. just a thought?

i still quite enjoy this. only minor thought could be adding more punctuation could emphasize the disjunct-ness of the phrases and add a visual part to the poem. again, just a thought.

nice read.