#1
familiar crumble
:lasterboard             p

drew it asbes            i
onally unwell            t

foundations                     :scraped off a sink 
:lasterboard             p

amiliar chest            f
nflection                i
oundations ofsickly food f
aste                     w
nd a mulcch cough        a
eal, plasterboard dust   r
draw another bottom      i
reath of sink liquid.    b
#3
not sure about the last image "sink liquid". i can tell what you're getting at and it's adequate, but maybe something a bit punchier would fit with the other words of the piece - "crumble" "scraped" "sickly food" "mulcch cough". "sink liquid" doesn't meet the same level of detail your other words do.

still, enjoyable piece. i'm growing to appreciate more and more your experimenting with space and form. it's really starting to feel natural. and i am envious of your ability to write about what would generally be considered trivial things - like sinks. there's a real satisfaction to your pieces. thanks for posting.
#4
Thank you.

"liquid" is an unexpectedly difficult word, in hindsight the sounds of it are maybe too confusing for this piece as I can't seem to visualise how it feels under the tongue on paper - though I have thought a lot about it. Still I haven't yet found the right words so I will continue thinking.
#5
in a weird way sink liquid works because it is somewhat clinical and gross. on second thought, it does work somewhat.
#6
I think "sink liquid" is too nonspecific to really work.

Not sure what you were doing with "asbes" in the second stanza, shorthand for asbestos? I kept trying to attach it to the first word of the next line, which doesn't really work.

What happens if you move ":scraped off a sink" down between the third and final stanza? I'm not sure if you want that phrase to describe "foundations" or not, but if not, it would be clearer that ":scraped off a sink" is meant to stand on its own.

The way you're experimenting with the first letter of lines here reminds me of diastics. Worth checking out if you haven't before.