#1
What have they done to you...

They made you forget the things your body said.
The colour of the bruise,
That doesn't ever need to be explained;
They made you hate the thoughts
that've been drifting around your head.
And yet, you're still so damnly in love with them.
You can't see the ropes they tied around your legs.

What have they done to you...
Last edited by Mrrula at Jan 10, 2015,
#2
Quote by Mrrula
What have they done to you...

They made you forget the things your body said.
The colour of the bruise,
That doesn't ever need to be explained;
They made you hate the thoughts
that've been drifting around your head.
And yet, you're still so damnly in love with them.
You can't see the ropes they tied around your legs.

What have they done to you...


It feels like it's missing something...but that's because the piece centers around that particular expression. So perhaps, making a space between both of them reveals that separation yet holds it intact(as shown in my quote)...if that makes any sense at all. Let me know if you agree or not. I like it though!
#3
this has potential, but it's bogged down by vague-ness and limp images. "made you forget the things your body said" is the strongest line in the piece, but you never quite come back to it or develop this idea. instead, we get a few other images that feel trite and flaccid: bruises, anxious thoughts, ropes tied to the legs. these all feel very over-used and common, and thus become ineffective.

i would like to see more direction here, more intention in the development. i know that you have the capacity to craft enduring images: your other pieces are testaments to that. this piece could use such tact.

also, "what have they done to you" is a weak line IMO.

i hope im being clear with what i'm saying. all the best.
#4
Thank you, Eccer, for your opinion. I totally agree with that and will change it just like you showed it