#1
I travel through the endless
as if I have been here before;
I deal with the vastness of it all
as if I am indigenous of this arrival.
Memories of invulnerability
ring the funeral bells -
the proverbial colonist
with no concern of the roots it burns.
I feel closer to the disorder
that breathed life into this vessel
called "self";
I travel into meaninglessness.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jan 9, 2015,
#2
the consistency of the images really makes this striking. i think a few phrases could be cleaned up to read better. some that strike me:

"...as if I am indigenous [at, for?] this arrival" - 'of' adds something that i am not sure is conducive.

"...no corncern [for?] the roots [he/she/they?] burns" - again, 'of' quirks this. the ambiguity of 'it' stands out as well, especially compared with the stronger use of 'I' throughout.

"I feel closer to the disorder/ that breathed life into this vessel/ [that I call self]" - the repetition of 'that', while syntactically tidy, makes this phrase feel a bit out of breath by the end. maybe ending with something like "called the self".

the last line could be separated with some punctuation or spacing as well. it could deserve its own enjambed line.

overall, strong piece here. i'm digging where you're going. title threw me through a loop, though.
#3
Hippieboy said everything already that I would have added. Good stuff.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
the consistency of the images really makes this striking. i think a few phrases could be cleaned up to read better. some that strike me:

"...as if I am indigenous [at, for?] this arrival" - 'of' adds something that i am not sure is conducive.

"...no corncern [for?] the roots [he/she/they?] burns" - again, 'of' quirks this. the ambiguity of 'it' stands out as well, especially compared with the stronger use of 'I' throughout.

"I feel closer to the disorder/ that breathed life into this vessel/ [that I call self]" - the repetition of 'that', while syntactically tidy, makes this phrase feel a bit out of breath by the end. maybe ending with something like "called the self".

the last line could be separated with some punctuation or spacing as well. it could deserve its own enjambed line.

overall, strong piece here. i'm digging where you're going. title threw me through a loop, though.


Thanks! I agree with "called self"; it reads so much better that way. I liked the use of "of", that's why I used it. Yeah, I will separate the last line with punctuation. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.