#1
man I've had it with these things, I've had it
fallin down through these rinds, a habit
grab my pen like a knife, n stab it
life throwin' me a curve ball, I'm saddened

looking through the eyes of a great messiah
a chosen one, a thief, and a lair
one with burning deep desire
inside lives a live burning fire
objectives we all have and admire
some fall of down, expire

hazed and crazed
revelation, aggravation, deportation in desolation, intoxication
the great one in the basin
dwindling, starvation
waiting for temptation
heart spilling out, blood, seeping through with disformation.
disoriented.
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#2
I like the jarring ending that "disoriented." gives, and I definitely think this has potential. Perhaps this is just personal taste, but I would encourage you to move away from having the same kind of rhyme throughout the entire piece. It's really limiting for the words you can use, and I think it also sets up this piece for too fast of a flow, if that makes sense. It feels like you have used a lot of words because of their rhyme, but that they aren't precise descriptors of the message you're trying to convey, which in turn makes the message really foggy. Also, you did a much better job with this piece than your other one in terms of structure; it moves a lot more naturally. Good job on that.
#3
Quote by Cyclones41
I like the jarring ending that "disoriented." gives, and I definitely think this has potential. Perhaps this is just personal taste, but I would encourage you to move away from having the same kind of rhyme throughout the entire piece. It's really limiting for the words you can use, and I think it also sets up this piece for too fast of a flow, if that makes sense. It feels like you have used a lot of words because of their rhyme, but that they aren't precise descriptors of the message you're trying to convey, which in turn makes the message really foggy. Also, you did a much better job with this piece than your other one in terms of structure; it moves a lot more naturally. Good job on that.


just wanted to say thanks for the comment.
much appreciated!
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#4
This is an improvement indeed, it's fun to play with rhyming so don't refrain from that...but try to use it less and let it come to you naturally. Don't force a rhyme. You don't always have to end the line with a rhyme, speak naturally first, and then...let it come. You already have good flow, so build on that and keep it coming!