#1
gaze from/into the dusk of forest. branches
webbing, intertwining. entangling to the corners
of this arcane firmament- just as cruel and
starless...

...just as callous and cold as the brambles
that crease it,


furrowing through it.


-


the dusk is still dusk
in the daylight. but where is this light
coming from. there was never a moon
nor a sun: and meanwhile, the cloud veil


whispers vespers for a gale like 
scissors.
Last edited by Dregen at Jan 18, 2015,
#3
The second half of this piece is much stronger than the first. I'm particularly fond of "the dusk is still dusk in the daylight." That said, I don't know that the first half does much for the second half. Well, maybe my main beef with the first half could be settled with a reworking of the first line. I just don't think it makes much sense (because I don't know how you look "from into" something). It wouldn't be so simple as deleting the first line, though, obviously, because the rest of the first half depends on knowing something about the trees. Anyway, I don't know if that makes sense. I think you've got something good here, but it needs a much stronger beginning.
#4
Quote by Magnumopus7001
I really like the last line


thanks ye

Quote by Cyclones41
The second half of this piece is much stronger than the first. I'm particularly fond of "the dusk is still dusk in the daylight." That said, I don't know that the first half does much for the second half. Well, maybe my main beef with the first half could be settled with a reworking of the first line. I just don't think it makes much sense (because I don't know how you look "from into" something). It wouldn't be so simple as deleting the first line, though, obviously, because the rest of the first half depends on knowing something about the trees. Anyway, I don't know if that makes sense. I think you've got something good here, but it needs a much stronger beginning.


"from into" implies that it is surrounding the subject. maybe some punctuation would aid that. 'trees' might also be understating the depth of the place i want to describe here.

i've also thought about switching 'branches' and 'brambles' to avoid confusion. i wanted to use a word other than 'brambles', because that would imply a shrub of some sort, where i simply want to give a thornlike character to these trees.

thanks for the criticism.